Communications & Relationships

We’ve all heard that communication is an important factor in relationships.   We know this, but why is it so hard.  I believe it is because there are three obstacles we face in achieving goal to better our communication.

1.  We don’t know what it means to communicate effectively.
2.  We don’t know how.
3.  We don’t actually want to communicate fully.

1.  We don’t know what does it mean to communicate effectively.

In psychological research, we use the term “operationalize,” which means, what specifically are we doing that will cause a change?  In other words, what can be measured.  For example, let’s say a researcher has a theory that reading fitness magazines “tend to provoke depression and anxiety” (This is actually true, by the way, according to a recent study by Ann Wertz Garvin PhD - quote in “O” Magazine, October 2008).  You can’t really measure someone’s depression or anxiety, but you can measure answers on a depression assessment or measure someone’s heart rate.

So to communicate effectively, we need to know what we mean, specifically when we say we want to communicate.   You must break it down to a specific behavior change to operationalize “effective communication.”  In a nutshell, effective communication other that expressing oneself and having another person receive that expression as close to your intention as possible.  So you get to choose what you would like to express.  (I’ll explore the part about the other person to whom you are expressing in another section.)

Here are a few ways of operationalizing your communication that might be helpful to begin to communicate effectively:

• Only expressing what is true for me
• Only expressing what is really going on with me and how I’m feeling
• Decrease or stop yelling
• Decrease or stop sarcasm (an especially tough one to give up!!)
• Expressing using Non-Violent Communication (more on that later)
• Meaning what I say
• Telling those I care about how much I appreciate them
• Telling those I care about things that need to change and why
• Decrease the silent treatment
• Increase Responsibility
• Increase Optimism

Then you can add - once a day, 5 times a day, all day, every time or some other time frame that makes sense to you (i.e. no sarcasm for a whole day). You could also end each of the above with a specific person (i.e. no sarcasm to my children)

Now you have a plan.  Get specific.  Practice.  Any of the above suggestions are hallmarks of good communications skills.  Notice the word SKILLS.  I hope that is a relief to you because they are skills, you can certainly learn them and add them to your repertoire.

My recommendation:  Try one of the above skills, name your time frame and/or your person and try it on for a week.  Keep a log of your progress.  You’ll be amazed at the improvements and healing in your relationships.

2.  We don’t know how.

For all of us, at some point we were told or we learned that it was not okay to truly express ourselves.  Notice how unselfconscious little children are.  Babies don’t think, you know, my mother is sleeping, so I should probably wait until she wakes up to communicate that I am hungry.   But then things change.  A dear friend of mine is a school counselor and she sees the difference between the unabashed kindergarteners, first and second graders and the reserved 4th and 5th graders.  We learn to shut ourselves down, to hide what’s really going on from our parents, teachers, other children and relatives and then society at large.  We are taught what’s appropriate and what’s not in our own little universe.

Unfortunately, some of us get very wounded in the process and lose our voice out of necessity and sometimes in order to survive.  We even lose that voice to ourselves.  As children, we were victims and it was not our fault, but once we become adults it’s time to reclaim that voice of what’s true for us and it is our responsibiltity and blaming the past or others, I’ve found, is not helpful.

Notice, I use the word “lose.”  That is because it cannot be destroyed.  If you are still here, so is that inner voice.   You know what is true for you, what you really like, what you believe and what you want.  That voice is there.

So, once you begin to get in touch with it, how do you use it with others?  The best way when you are first starting is through what is called Non-Violent Communication which was developed by Marshall Rosenburg, PhD.  Below is a chart from his website, www.nonviolentcommunication.com that shows the 4 step process of beginning you use your voice in a way that is effective and non-threatening to others.  When expressing your truth, you use the left column and when you are listening to another, you can use the column on the right.  It takes work, however, because we aren’t used to speaking this way.  You cannot go wrong or fail when you use non-violent communication for expressing yourself.

Elizabeth Kupferman is an Orlando grief counselor who specializes in helping women and kids come to terms with grief, loss and unexpected change. This entry was posted on Sunday, September 21st, 2008 at 4:04 pm and is filed under Communications, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

Tags: communication, communication skills, Happiness, healing relationships, relationships