It’s not enough to say I’m sorry when we’ve done something to hurt someone else.  Saying “I’m sorry” is only the beginning.

The Real Apology comes from the Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch.  He was the author of the book “The Last Lecture.”  There are amazing YouTube videos of him giving his last lecture.  The reason it was his last lecture was because he had terminal pancreatic cancer and only had a short time to live.  If you haven’t seen the videos or read his book, I highly recommend them.

Here is the how you give a Real Apology:

1.  I’m sorry.

2.  It was my fault.

3.  How can I make it up to you?

This is why none of the “I’m sorrys” you’ve received felt good or were the least bit healing – because the necessary remorse, responsibility and amends were missing.  What is so great about the Real Apology, is that once you know about it, you will never have to endure a fake apology ever again.

I recommend you teach it to your closest family members when you are not in a fight.  It’s especially good for children – It’s the instant cure for  “I said I was sorrrry!!!” (Picture eye-rolling and a disgusted face -actually some adults say it that way too.)  The next time you get the mean or insincere “I’m sorry,”  usually followed by the anger because how dare you not “forgive” them.  You can now simply say that you appreciate their apology, but that it is not a “Real Apology” and teach them what the Real Apology is.  Then, it is up to them whether or not they are actually sorry depending on whether they give you the Real Apology or not and you will know if they are sorry or not.

In fact, in his book, Randy Pausch talks about how a “bad apology is worse than no apology” and that when we hurt each other – intentionally or unintentionally, it is like an infection in our relationship.  So, no apology would be like letting the infection continue and the Real Apology would be like the antibiotic.  The reason a bad apology is worse is because “it is like rubbing salt in the wound.”  Just to clarify, a bad apology is anything that does not have the 3 steps.

1.  I’m sorry.  It’s the set up – it is the introduction to the healing.

2.  It is my fault – The person is taking FULL responsibility – not indicating, for instance that if I had not yelled, then you would have not have hit me or saying that “I made you do it” or that you weren’t feeling well or that you had a hard day and that’s why you stormed out or didn’t call me on my birthday.

3.  What can I do to make it up to you? – the amends – this can be little – like “you can take the dog out next” or “rub my shoulders for 15 minutes.”  It could be something huge like “please don’t ever do it again” or “learn to trust me more” or “go to marriage counseling with me.”

Why would we ask others to go to these lengths or to put ourselves through it (it is not fun to be the one apologizing!!)?  Because it will make our lives better, we’ll align our words with our actions, we’ll have no infection in our relationships, we won’t have a build up of resentments and we will be operating from a clean slate.  It brings us closer to the ones we love and gets us back to the business of loving each other fully.  It releases both parties.  The giver is freed because he/she is off the hook for the bad thing they did and the receiver is free to forgive fully because they set the criteria for forgiveness.  It’s perfection.  I’ve been on both sides of a Real Apology and I have been awed by what a profound difference it makes.

Reference:  Pausch, Randy.  2008.  The Last Lecture

For more on the Real Apology, you can listen to the podcast of Michelle Wargo and I discuss it on Heartbeat Radio for Women.

Kathie writes:

Hi! I have a girlfriend who has just gone through a bad break-up. I completely understand that right now the attention of our friendship needs to be focused mainly on her right now, however every time we’ve talked recently, one of three things happen: Either she is talking to someone else while on the phone with me for the majority of the conversation, she hangs up immediately after picking up and claims she’ll call back (which is never the case), or the conversation is completely revolving around her, not necessarily about her break-up, until she rushes off the phone.

I’m trying to be patient and just accept it, but she does this after each break-up and I’m tired of the cycle and feeling unappreciated. What should I do?

Elizabeth discusses how important it is to make sure that both people in a relationship understand what the other wants and needs, as well as how important it is to make sure that both people in a relationship “get a turn” to be the focus of the relationship. It’s not about keeping a scorecard — it’s about making sure that you can both be there for each other when you need support, but that you’re both getting support when you need it.

Elizabeth and Mary also talk about how sometimes people “speak” with their behavior (as opposed to their words) and how to teach people to treat you the way you want (and deserve!) to be treated.

Mary shares a story about a recent fishing trip where she had to decide whether or not she wanted to be right, or whether she wanted to be happy. Elizabeth describes how sometimes it’s hard because we don’t want to have to “let go” of the feelings that went with a situation where we feel like we’ve been wronged, but by deciding whether or not we want to be right, or whether we want to be happy, we can make a big difference and improve our lives.

Elizabeth also talks about the importance of telling people how you feel — sometimes when it even seems obvious — as a tool for cementing your relationship. And sometimes what seems obvious isn’t always.

During the show we also discussed the following e-mail from a listener:

“I was raised to keep the peace, Don’t say anything that isn’t nice, and help before being asked. My questions on codependency are: Does someone’s gender or personality predispose them to a codependent behavior? Is it just a lack of communication skills that puts someone in this harmful one-sided relationship? Can you please give an example of “assertiveness skills” needed to stop and recognize the abusive behavior/repressed emotions while keeping the peace and not enabling a family member’s bulling/codependency to continue. A win-win situation. Thank you!”

I view caretaking and caregiving on a continuum.  We usually aren’t doing both at the same time.  The goal is to do as much caregiving as we can and to decrease our caretaking as much as we can.  Caretaking is a dysfunctional, learned behavior that can be changed.  We want to change so we can experience more peace, more contentment and more fulfilling relationships.  The people in your life may resist your healthier actions, but modeling caregiving is a huge gift you are giving to your loved ones.

Below are the ways you can begin to tell the differences between caretaking and caregiving.  It may be helpful at first to think of those in your life who caretake you (“That’s totally my mom!” or  “Oh, I  didn’t realize that caretaking is what my brother has been doing, but it fits,” or “My best friend is a caretaking queen!”).

After you identify who is caretaking you, then ask yourself what role you play to keep that dynamic going (“OMG, I am caretaker too!”).   In a nutshell, caretaking is a hallmark of codependency and is rooted in insecurity and a need to be in control.  Caregiving is an expression of kindness and love.

Here are some key differences between caretaking and caregiving:

• Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating.  Caregiving feels right and feels like love.  It re-energizes and inspires you.
• Caretaking crosses boundaries.  Caregiving honors them.
• Caretaking takes from the recepient or gives with strings attached; caregiving gives freely.
• Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
• Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
• Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
• Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.
• Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving capabilities.
• Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker.  Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
• Caretakers tend to attract needy people.  Caregivers tend to attract healthy people.  (Hint:  We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
• Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
• Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
• Caretakers  start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
• Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
• Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.

As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step.  Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum.  It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.

I recommend the work of Melody Beattie who is a groundbreaker in codependency education.  If you find yourself in relationships with people who have addictions or if you struggle with your own addictions, I recommend Codependent No More:  How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (also Al-Anon, which is a 12 step group).  If you aren’t in relationship with someone who has an addiction or if you do not suffer from an addiction, I recommend her new book “The New Codependency:  Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation.”
Reference:  Beattie, Melody (1991).  Codependent No More:  How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

I once heard the spiritual teacher, Marianne Williamson say (I am paraphrasing) that if you have 17 tears to cry and you only cry 10 of them, you have 7 tears that you are holding onto and they will become toxic.  The chemical make-up of tears verifies this.  Emotional tears actually have a different chemical structure than reflexive tears (tears produced by eye irritation) and that emotional “tears appear to play a significant role in detoxification of the body and enhancement of mental well-being” (Fooladi, 2005,  p.250).  In addition, emotional crying can produce endorphins to actually relieve the pain we’re suffering.

I know people who come to me years after a death to work on their grief and I think about all the un-cried tears that have contributed to their carried pain.  We think that something is wrong with us when we cry – we want to stop it  – cut it off – get over it – move on with life – etc.  When we do that, we are asking ourselves to not be human.  Crying as a response to sadness is actually a gift that we have because it is almost exclusively a human trait.

Another reason we hold the tears back is that we think that if we start we won’t stop.  I know it’s hard to believe, but your tears have a beginning and they do have an end.  Crying helps us express the pain and what we don’t express, we will repress.  That repression may delay healing and interfere with adaptation of the loss, meaning making and continuing the bond with our loved ones who have died.  Crying also signals empathetic responses in others which can enable us to receive connection and comfort.  It is a way of asking for love and support without words.

Granted, whether alone or in the presence of a safe and trusted person, it is no picnic.  It hurts.  It’s messy.  It reveals our vulnerability.  For many of us, being that raw and vulnerable can be very difficult and can feel out of control, intimidating, uncomfortable and/or foreign.  Paradoxically, I see crying as a signal of strength.  I don’t like it either, but I get through it with the knowledge that on the other side is healing and growth.  For me, it is a small price to pay for love.

(*A note: There are some cultures who do not view emotional crying as an appropriate response to emotional pain and have not been socialized to react to emotional pain with tears.  Many people in our culture also may feel that crying is not appropriate for them either.  This article is written to give those who need or want to cry as a result of emotional pain (or who are crying, but wish not to be) the permission and encouragement to do so.  It is in no way suggesting that all people need to react to emotional pain with tears if that is not their authentic response.  If you know someone who isn’t crying, but you think they should be crying, that is YOUR issue and not theirs.  They are just having a different response to grief than yours.)

Fooladi, Marjaneh.  (2005).  The Healing Effects of Crying.  Holistic Nursing Practice, 19(6), 248-255.

When we think about trusting someone, we tend to think of it in terms of all or nothing.  Either we trust this person or we don’t.   We trust ourselves or we don’t.  We trust that we will be taken care of or we don’t.  We think it’s like a switch we can turn on or off on a whim.  It’s not.  I label that kind of all or nothing trust as “unhealthy trust.”     And if you change the way you think about trust and learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy trust, you will save yourself a lot of heartache because trust is at the core of all of our relationships.

Healthy trust is actually a process that happens over time and it’s helpful to think of it on a continuum.  I like to think of the continuum as vertical instead of horizontal, so a “trust ladder” is a metaphor that works for me.  There are two principles that you must know if you want to understand how to develop healthy, trusting relationships or if you want to get out of pain in any of your relationships.   The two principles are:

1.  Trust is a ladder and you give your trust to others (and they give it to you) rung by rung.  Healthy people can risk giving the first rung as an offering of kindness and connection.

2.  People are always, always, always teaching you how to treat them by their behaviors.  They are constantly communicating with you with their behavior about how the relationship will continue to be.

I’ve found that it’s easiest to understand healthy vs. unhealthy trust through story (It’s a completely made up story, not based on any real people).    I’ll tell the story and deconstruct it using the two principles, so you can see them in action.  (Another note:  I used a couple for my example – but it works in ALL relationships). Once upon a time……

Let’s say there’s a woman (we’ll call her Sam) and she is in her 30’s and she has started dating using an online dating service after a relationship ended 5 months ago because of trust issues.  She has found out about the 2 principles and refuses to partake in unhealthy trust ever again.  She will only give her trust one rung at a time and will pay attention to behavior of people and allow that to be the truth teller in relationships.

She finds John’s profile and likes what she reads and sends him an email.  (This is Healthy Trust from a healthy person.  She is putting herself out there, taking a risk and using principle #1, she offers John the first rung of the trust ladder.) He does not reply.  (Principle #2 He is teaching her with his behavior that he is not interested in returning her interest.  He does not offer a rung of his ladder.) She decides that she will not email him again.  She feels disappointed and wants to email him again, but prefers to stay in healthy trust land so she moves on.  (Very impressive, she is committed to responding to his behavior decided to learn the lesson he is teaching her about himself and she withdraws her rung).

A few weeks later she finds Stephen and emails him.  (She offers her first rung.) He emails her back (He offers her a rung of his ladder) and they have a few exchanges that seem promising.   She decides she would like to speak with him on the phone (She offers the next rung, taking a risk).  He agrees and she calls him and they talk for a couple of hours where they both seem to enjoy the conversation and take turns disclosing information.  (They are climbing the ladder together rung by rung.) Then one day, he doesn’t call when he said he would.   She calls him, but it goes to voice mail and her call isn’t returned within the week.  She knows something is up and starts thinking about her vow to stop unhealthy trust.  She is not sure what her next move is, but decides to email him a note stating that she called and was checking on him and hopes everything is okay and requests a return call or email and Stephen does not reply.  (Stephen is teaching her that he no longer is offering her rungs of his ladder and no longer interested in moving forward.  Sam knows that if she continues to call him or email him, she is acting out of unhealthy trust, which is when you continually offer more trust than what the person has taught you they are capable of receiving.  When a person continues to trust, and the person has not earned it or even asked for it, then the relationship is out of balance and therefore, unhealthy trust is afoot and that is when the pain begins.  The space between the last rung that the other person gave you and your next rung is pain. She could continue to call and email, but that will only cause pain and drama on her part – and only her part.  Shephen has taught her that he is not interested in continuing, but if she chose not to learn the lesson and continues to offer the next rung of trust, then pain is on the way.  She may have feelings of confusion and disappointment that Stephen did not continue with her and that would make sense and be healthy, but to try to force continuing would be unhealthy. )

After another month Preston emails her (He offers her a rung), she responds and it proceeds to regular emails, then calls and then a few dates  They take turns offering the next rung on the ladder of trust and there have been no red flags, no unreturned calls, they do what they say they are going to do, disclose appropriately, follow through and are enjoying each other.  (This is healthy trust and yes, they live happily ever after.  In the real life fairy tale, there are going to be issues and hard times, but they honor each other by offering rung after rung to each other, one rung at a time).

Happy people practice healthy trust and pay attention to what the people in their lives are teaching them and they honor that.  If you are tired of the pain,  drama, mixed messages,  chaos of unhealthy trust you can start right now with a vow, just like our heroine, Sam and take a vow to practice healthy trust.

Resource:  Kotler, Stephen (1995).  Trust Me, Please.  SELF, Vol. 17, No. 11 158-159.

I will agree that we need time to grieve and mourn, but it is not time that does the job of healing.   If we do not do the necessary grief work (accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain, making the necessary adjustments and creating meaning from the loss), we will end up with what Alan Wolfelt calls “carried grief.”   Carried grief is when you do not mourn your loss and take the pain with you into everyday of your life.  I think of it like deciding to keep a splinter in your arm because you are afraid of the pain of digging it out, but imagine your life with this throbbing, dull ache forever.  That is why we have to mourn and grieve and that is why time alone simply cannot make that happen.

Think about it, grieving is a consequence of loving.And if you carry your grief with you for the rest of your life, that splinter you’ve decided to keep turns into a wall. Yes, this wall may prevent you from feeling pain right now, but guess what? It’s also preventing you from experiencing love.

I know it’s hard.  I really do, but you can do it.  Since grieving is a normal, natural process, you are completely capable of grieving on your own.  But, if you are having trouble with accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain on your own (including feeling guilty and/or ashamed), making the physical, emotional and spiritual adjustments or finding meaning from your loss, I definitely recommend spending time with an skilled and compassionate grief counselor who gets it.

References:

Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy:  A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner 4th Edition.
Author:  J. William Worden

Living in the Shadow of The Ghosts of Grief
Author:  Alan D. Wolfelt

Actually that’s not true.  You can become less of who you are instead.  You can continue to diminish yourself.  You can continue in your mess, your misery, your drama, your addiction, and/or your unhealthy and damaging relationships. And the most dreadful part is – it will only get worse.  Like a terminal illness, it will progress and become more miserable and toxic if not treated.  You could just stay how you are and leave it to your children to do the work.  And, by the way, if you are not living fully, you are teaching your children not to live fully.  Remember, they do what you do, not what you say.  They will grow to live their own version of your and/or the other parent’s toxicity.  If you don’t break the cycle of dysfunction, it will be your ultimate legacy to your kids.  (That’s why you have to do the work because your parents did not do theirs).  This is not to make you feel guilty, it’s meant to give you that extra push to commit to do the work and to understand the choice that you are making by not doing the work.

Or you can get to work and become conscious.  Live the life you were meant to live.  Live your calling.  Live with actual love (you know the kind I mean – patient, kind, adoring, playful, fun, trusting etc.)  Live with integrity.  Experience joie de vivre – maybe for the very first time since you were an infant.  As they say, you can get bitter or you can get better.   It’s your choice.

You really can do this.  It is not some pie in the sky ideal.  If you do your personal growth work, you will become stronger, more aware, feel freer, feel whole and experience healthy relationships and true happiness.

Personal growth work can happen with or without counseling.  The benefit of counseling, however, is that you get to have the healing even faster and you you won’t have to do your work alone.  Plus, the counseling relationship in and of itself is a healing force in which you will experience what its like to be treated with kindness and respect without judgment with a genuine, authentic person.  And believe it or not, it can be fun.  And besides, how much luck are you having going it alone?  (Are you counting the unrealized promises of your self-help book collection?)

I know what I’m talking about because I have walked the road and work with amazing women who are walking the road.  Join us.

1.  We don’t know what it means to communicate effectively.

2.  We don’t know how.

3.  We don’t actually want to communicate fully.

1.  We don’t know what it means to communicate effectively.

In psychological research, we use the term “operationalize,” which means, what specifically are we doing that will cause a change?  In other words, what can be measured.  For example, let’s say a researcher has a theory that reading fitness magazines “tend to provoke depression and anxiety” (This is actually true, by the way, according to a recent study by Ann Wertz Garvin PhD – quote in “O” Magazine, October 2008).  You can’t really measure someone’s depression or anxiety, but you can measure answers on a depression assessment or measure someone’s heart rate.

So to communicate effectively, we need to know what we mean, specifically when we say we want to communicate.   You must break it down to a specific behavior change to operationalize “effective communication.”  In a nutshell, effective communication other that expressing oneself and having another person receive that expression as close to your intention as possible.  So you get to choose what you would like to express.  (I’ll explore the part about the other person to whom you are expressing in another section.)

Here are a few ways of operationalizing your communication that might be helpful to begin to communicate effectively:

• Only expressing what is true for me
• Only expressing what is really going on with me and how I’m feeling
• Decrease or stop yelling
• Decrease or stop sarcasm (an especially tough one to give up!!)
• Expressing using Non-Violent Communication (more on that later)
• Meaning what I say
• Telling those I care about how much I appreciate them
• Telling those I care about things that need to change and why
• Decrease the silent treatment
• Increase Responsibility
• Increase Optimism

Then you can add – once a day, 5 times a day, all day, every time or some other time frame that makes sense to you (i.e. no sarcasm for a whole day). You could also end each of the above with a specific person (i.e. no sarcasm to my children)

Now you have a plan.  Get specific.  Practice.  Any of the above suggestions are hallmarks of good communications skills.  Notice the word SKILLS.  I hope that is a relief to you because they are skills, you can certainly learn them and add them to your repertoire.

Try one of the above skills, name your time frame and/or your person and try it on for a week.  Keep a log of your progress.  You’ll be amazed at the improvements and healing in your relationships.

2.  We don’t know how.

For all of us, at some point we were told or we learned that it was not okay to truly express ourselves.  Notice how unselfconscious little children are.  Babies don’t think, you know, my mother is sleeping, so I should probably wait until she wakes up to communicate that I am hungry.   But then things change.  A dear friend of mine is a school counselor and she sees the difference between the unabashed kindergartners, first and second graders and the reserved 4th and 5th graders.  We learn to shut ourselves down, to hide what’s really going on from our parents, teachers, other children and relatives and then society at large.  We are taught what’s appropriate and what’s not in our own little universe.

Unfortunately, some of us get very wounded in the process and lose our voice out of necessity and sometimes in order to survive.  We even lose that voice to ourselves.  As children, we were victims and it was not our fault, but once we become adults it’s time to reclaim that voice of what’s true for us and it is our responsibility and blaming the past or others, I’ve found, is not helpful.

Notice, I use the word “lose.”  That is because your voice cannot be destroyed.  If you are still here, so is that inner voice.   You know what is true for you, what you really like, what you believe and what you want.  That voice is there.

So, once you begin to get in touch with it, how do you use it with others?  The best way when you are first starting is through what is called Non-Violent Communication which was developed by Marshall Rosenburg, PhD.  Below is a chart from his website, www.nonviolentcommunication.com that shows the 4 step process of beginning you use your voice in a way that is effective and non-threatening to others.  When expressing your truth, you use the left column and when you are listening to another, you can use the column on the right.  It takes work, however, because we aren’t used to speaking this way.  You cannot go wrong or fail when you use non-violent communication for expressing yourself.

3.  We don’t actually want to communicate fully.

The idea of communicating fully and expressing ourselves sounds great, but to really communicate fully takes a tremendous amount of courage.  Imagine if you would only speak the truth from this point forward.  No white lies, no hedging, and no lying by omission.  The thought for those new to personal growth work is terrifying.  I imagine your life would be radically different one year from now and I would put good money on the bet that your life would be much happier and you would feel much freer.

The truth is, we only want to communicate fully when it is in our best interest.  We still want to look good, still want to be liked, still want what we want when we want it and truth telling might put an end to that.  And then there is the fear of “if people really knew how I felt, then they would not like me” or being afraid that people will leave you if they knew the truth about you or the real you.  You may also fear that you actually know what you need to say or do, but are too afraid of the consequences and of the unknown.

Unfortunately, we may have been not communicating for so long that we may feel that we have lost the ability to know what our truth is or even what we really want.  If this is the case, you may find that a trained counselor can help you find your truth.   The thing is, we never lose ourselves.  Our truth is in there.   Eleanor Roosevelt said “You must do the thing you cannot do”.   If you want to be free and happy, communicating fully is a thing you must do.

We tend to think of forgiveness as a spiritual concept, but it is absolutely a psychological one as well.  Consider the following definition:  Forgiveness is “not condoning, excusing or forgetting what happened,” rather it is the decrease or elimination of “resentment or anger toward an offender,”  which is replaced  by “more positive feelings, thoughts, and behaviors” (Knutson, Enright and Garbers, 2008).  Isn’t that the point of psychotherapy and counseling, to be happier?

I’m not suggesting that this is easy work.  I actually believe this is an advanced adult skill.  It takes commitment, willingness, action, intention and energy.  It’s also important to note that if you have been abused or traumatized in any way and you are having an adverse reaction to the idea of forgiving, that means that it’s time for you to work on your healing first and foremost!

To be clear, the forgiveness I’m speaking of does NOT mean that:

• You allow someone who is abusive to continue that behavior.
• You have to continue to be in relationship with the offender.
• You think that what happened was okay with you (abuse is NEVER okay).
• You must tell the person that you have forgiven them.
• You forgive because that’s the “right thing to do.”
• You only forgive others, but not yourself.
• You have to forgive without help.
• You have to forgive before you’re ready.

The practice of forgiveness is actually an act of self-interest and not about another person.  It frees you because harboring resentments is like that saying about taking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.  Resentments steal your joy.  We can have joy or we can have resentments.  We can’t have both.  That is why practicing forgiveness of ourselves and others is crucial and how forgiveness relates to counseling.

Reference:  Journal of Counseling and Development, 2008:  Validating the Developmental Pathway of Forgiveness by Jeanette Knutson, Robert Enright, and Benjamin Garbers.