Magical Psychological Power #1: AND Helps You Get Unstuck

You are a complex human being with a complex psyche and you get to have more than one feeling at a time.  For instance, you can feel love AND frustration at the same time.  Like most people, you probably tend to use the word “but” instead.  Take the sentence “I am so frustrated, but I love him.”   Let’s say he makes a habit of embarrassing you in public and you’ve set a boundary around the behavior, but he continues the behavior.  You continue to get embarrassed, which leads to your frustration.  You have nowhere to go if you keep using the sentence “I am so frustrated, but I love him.”

The use of the word “but” psychologically negates the first half of the sentence.  What is implied is that yes, you are frustrated, but you are powerless to do anything because you love him.  Basically. you are telling yourself to get over your issue and that isn’t going to go well.   You won’t be solving your problem and the issue isn’t handled, which will lead to a build up of resentment in the relationship.

Now let’s insert AND instead. ” I am frustrated AND I love him.”  Yes!  Both parts are the sentence are true and exist simultaneously.  He’s doing something irritating and embarrassing AND you love this guy.  Notice how much more freeing this is.  Now you can continue to work on the boundary about the embarrassing you in public thing and love him too.  Hooray!  It doesn’t mean that it won’t be challenging (AND is good, but not that good), and now you can begin to solve your problem and move forward together instead of shutting yourself down.

Magical Psychological Power #2: AND is an Antidote to Complaining

I had a previous relationship with someone cruel, verbally abusive, manipulative  and conniving.  I used to complain about it with others while I was in it.  I would find others to say “Oh my God!” or “How horrible that he did that to you!!” Some of this was fine and I got support in a difficult time.  However, some of the complaining just prolonged the misery.  Now let’s add the magic word:  I had a previous relationship with someone cruel, verbally abusive, manipulative and conniving AND I kept staying in that relationship.  The reason AND works is not to make myself feel bad, but to actually look at MY part in the relationship – I continued to take the cruelty and verbal abuse.  He couldn’t continue the negative behaviors without my permission.  If I am just complaining, I am not moving in the direction of a solution, but continuing to stay in the problem.

AND gives you that same gift because it gives you a place to start.  You might be used to complaining about others for their bad behavior and that habit creates a lack of insight.  It reminds me of that saying about when you point a finger at someone else that there are three fingers pointing back at you.  I’m not saying that the other person is totally off the hook or what is happening is okay.  What I am saying is that it is your responsibility to look at how you might be contributing to the problem and how you allow bad behaviors to continue.

Magical Psychological Power #3: AND Helps You Know and Accept Yourself Fully

It does this by allowing you to own all aspects of yourself, even when they conflict with each other.  Remember, your psyche is vast and complex.  Taking ownership and accepting all of your feelings – possibly even celebrating them – can lead you to so much freedom and happiness.

Someone can be or feel generous AND selfish, kind AND mean, strong AND weak, helpless AND empowered, serious AND silly, shy AND outspoken, fearful AND determined,  satisfied AND unsatisfied – you get the idea.  The possbilities of paradox, dichotomies and contradictions are endless.  Owning them can help you have compassion for yourself because if you have a moment when you are not perfect or if you’re thoughtless or you’ve gotten it wrong, you can remember that you are so much more than that and all you have to do is reach for your new favorite word.

Maybe what they mean is that they just can’t handle too much of a great thing. You never see those same people complaining about the fact that someone is “too pretty” or “too smart.” They don’t throw those expressions around as insults because it would be ridiculous and laughable. I feel the same way now about sensitivity because being “too sensitive” is actually a gift. Being sensitive is really more  fulfilling than physical beauty and it is actually a way of being smart. Those who are sensitive are usually high in emotional intelligence which is having the ability to understand, perceive, use and manage our emotions and the emotions of others, which can make for a deep and fulfilling relationships.

Elaine Aron, the psychologist who coined the expression “highly sensitive person,” wrote in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You that 15 to 20 percent of people meet the traditional criteria for being “highly sensitive.” Plus there are also those who don’t necessarily qualify as “highly” sensitive, but who still score pretty highly on the “sensitivity continuum.” Think about that: based on her finding, about every fifth person qualifies as being “too sensitive.” That’s a lot of sensitive people!

Which makes it especially interesting because high sensitivity isn’t valued in our culture. What is valued are the qualities that make people (and things) bigger, over-the-top, and larger than life — qualities in my experience that highly sensitive people tend not to enjoy or create in large doses. This is what leads to the name calling and denigration of sensitivity and sensitive people.  Which then leads to us denigrating it in ourselves.  So our work is to begin to honor it in ourselves and others.  I am proud of my high sensitivity and wouldn’t trade it for anything.

While it may not be valued as much, what highly sensitive people bring to the table is just as important, even if it is a little more subtle. In my experience, highly sensitive people tend be especially good at seeing e bigger picture. They see a lot of things that other people may miss, and they have a very intuitive, very conscientious way of engaging with their world.  Best of all we connect deeply, love deeply and people tend to seek us out because we listen deeply.

If you have heard the “you’re too sensitive” comment and some of these qualities sound like you, I recommend that you visit Elaine Aron’s website at www.hsperson.com where you can take the highly sensitive person assessment. There are two main reasons why it’s important to acknowledge your sensitivity. The first is so that you begin to understand yourself and appreciate it as a gift. The other is so that you can begin to understand how to manage it.

Sensitive people really do need to take care of themselves in a way non-sensitives don’t have too. We can get tired if there is ongoing stimulation such as loud noises, parties, football games, etc. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love those things, it just means that we should probably stop beating ourselves up for getting tired. Some of us have to limit the negativity and violence we see in the media. We also have to be careful that we protect ourselves from negative and/or toxic people and relationships. If you are sensitive and are in an unhealthy relationship now, you may notice that you might have to self-medicate with food, alcohol, drugs or some other form of acting out to tolerate it.  Not managing your sensitivity can also lead to anxiety and depression.

I hope you begin to own your sensitivity as one of your best features and if you feel that you don’t know how to manage it or if you need support on how to excel in a world that doesn’t value your gift, I urge you to find the resources to help such as reading Elaine Aron’s books and learning the coping skills and/or to seek our sensitive-friendly counseling or coaching. And if someone tells you that your are “too sensitive,” I hope you say, “thank you!”

Resource: Aron, Elaine. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You.

Start by knowing the qualities of trustworthy people. If they do all of these things, or most of these things, then it may be safe or appropriate for you to trust them. If there are people in your life who don’t do these things — well, they may not be worthy of your trust.

Qualities of Trustworthy People

• Trustworthy people usually show up on time.
• When trustworthy people say something will happen, it usually does.
• If trustworthy people tell you about an event, the information they give you is so thorough that when you find out more about the event or learn about it from another source, usually the descriptions match.
• Trustworthy people rarely lie and don’t expect you to lie for them.
• Trustworthy people usually don’t lie by omission to “protect’ you or because they want to avoid “upsetting” you.
• Trustworthy people are rarely hypocritical.
• Trustworthy people usually give real apologies.
• Trustworthy people’s behaviors match their actions.

Know how to practice healthy trust with all of the new people in your life or the ones you decide are trustworthy.  Trust is a shared ladder and people climb it together one rung at a time. If you’re healthy, it’s usually pretty safe to get a rung ahead or a rung behind the other person. But just one. It’s okay to take a risk and put yourselves out there for another person.  Not a big risk, but a small one where you can be a tiny bit vulnerable.

But…if you keep climbing the ladder and the other person hasn’t moved — if they still aren’t sharing with you the trust that you are sharing with them — that’s unhealthy trust.  To understand this in detail, read my article Healthy vs. Unhealthy Trust where I provide thorough examples.

Sometimes it’s hard, but to have successful trusting relationships you need to practice staying on the same rung of the ladder the other person is on. If you climb to the next rung and they don’t follow you — then you may have to let go of wanting the relationship to be on a different rung than it is.  If you continually go up a rung when it’s clear the other person isn’t interested – the space between the rungs is YOUR PAIN.

Something else to consider:  check the list again, this time thinking about yourself. Are you trustworthy? Start becoming a trustworthy person if you are not already one (yes, white lies count). “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” as Gandhi said.  You can’t really expect the people around you to be trustworthy if you’re not (because that would be hypocritical and that is not a quality of a trustworthy person).

Resources: Beck, Martha.  (2009).  Who’s Never Gonna Let You Down and Kotler, Stephen (1995).  Trust Me, Please.  SELF, Vol. 17, No. 11 158-159.

Heart 2 Heart With Elizabeth Kupferman

It’s not enough to say I’m sorry when we’ve done something to hurt someone else.  Saying “I’m sorry” is only the beginning.

The Real Apology comes from the Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch.  He was the author of the book “The Last Lecture.”  There are amazing YouTube videos of him giving his last lecture.  The reason it was his last lecture was because he had terminal pancreatic cancer and only had a short time to live.  If you haven’t seen the videos or read his book, I highly recommend them.

Here is the how you give a Real Apology:

1.  I’m sorry.

2.  It was my fault.

3.  How can I make it up to you?

This is why none of the “I’m sorrys” you’ve received felt good or were the least bit healing – because the necessary remorse, responsibility and amends were missing.  What is so great about the Real Apology, is that once you know about it, you will never have to endure a fake apology ever again.

I recommend you teach it to your closest family members when you are not in a fight.  It’s especially good for children – It’s the instant cure for  “I said I was sorrrry!!!” (Picture eye-rolling and a disgusted face -actually some adults say it that way too.)  The next time you get the mean or insincere “I’m sorry,”  usually followed by the anger because how dare you not “forgive” them.  You can now simply say that you appreciate their apology, but that it is not a “Real Apology” and teach them what the Real Apology is.  Then, it is up to them whether or not they are actually sorry depending on whether they give you the Real Apology or not and you will know if they are sorry or not.

In fact, in his book, Randy Pausch talks about how a “bad apology is worse than no apology” and that when we hurt each other – intentionally or unintentionally, it is like an infection in our relationship.  So, no apology would be like letting the infection continue and the Real Apology would be like the antibiotic.  The reason a bad apology is worse is because “it is like rubbing salt in the wound.”  Just to clarify, a bad apology is anything that does not have the 3 steps.

1.  I’m sorry.  It’s the set up – it is the introduction to the healing.

2.  It is my fault – The person is taking FULL responsibility – not indicating, for instance that if I had not yelled, then you would have not have hit me or saying that “I made you do it” or that you weren’t feeling well or that you had a hard day and that’s why you stormed out or didn’t call me on my birthday.

3.  What can I do to make it up to you? – the amends – this can be little – like “you can take the dog out next” or “rub my shoulders for 15 minutes.”  It could be something huge like “please don’t ever do it again” or “learn to trust me more” or “go to marriage counseling with me.”

Why would we ask others to go to these lengths or to put ourselves through it (it is not fun to be the one apologizing!!)?  Because it will make our lives better, we’ll align our words with our actions, we’ll have no infection in our relationships, we won’t have a build up of resentments and we will be operating from a clean slate.  It brings us closer to the ones we love and gets us back to the business of loving each other fully.  It releases both parties.  The giver is freed because he/she is off the hook for the bad thing they did and the receiver is free to forgive fully because they set the criteria for forgiveness.  It’s perfection.  I’ve been on both sides of a Real Apology and I have been awed by what a profound difference it makes.

Reference:  Pausch, Randy.  2008.  The Last Lecture

For more on the Real Apology, you can listen to the podcast of Michelle Wargo and I discuss it on Heartbeat Radio for Women.

Kathie writes:

Hi! I have a girlfriend who has just gone through a bad break-up. I completely understand that right now the attention of our friendship needs to be focused mainly on her right now, however every time we’ve talked recently, one of three things happen: Either she is talking to someone else while on the phone with me for the majority of the conversation, she hangs up immediately after picking up and claims she’ll call back (which is never the case), or the conversation is completely revolving around her, not necessarily about her break-up, until she rushes off the phone.

I’m trying to be patient and just accept it, but she does this after each break-up and I’m tired of the cycle and feeling unappreciated. What should I do?

Elizabeth discusses how important it is to make sure that both people in a relationship understand what the other wants and needs, as well as how important it is to make sure that both people in a relationship “get a turn” to be the focus of the relationship. It’s not about keeping a scorecard — it’s about making sure that you can both be there for each other when you need support, but that you’re both getting support when you need it.

Elizabeth and Mary also talk about how sometimes people “speak” with their behavior (as opposed to their words) and how to teach people to treat you the way you want (and deserve!) to be treated.

Mary shares a story about a recent fishing trip where she had to decide whether or not she wanted to be right, or whether she wanted to be happy. Elizabeth describes how sometimes it’s hard because we don’t want to have to “let go” of the feelings that went with a situation where we feel like we’ve been wronged, but by deciding whether or not we want to be right, or whether we want to be happy, we can make a big difference and improve our lives.

Elizabeth also talks about the importance of telling people how you feel — sometimes when it even seems obvious — as a tool for cementing your relationship. And sometimes what seems obvious isn’t always.

During the show we also discussed the following e-mail from a listener:

“I was raised to keep the peace, Don’t say anything that isn’t nice, and help before being asked. My questions on codependency are: Does someone’s gender or personality predispose them to a codependent behavior? Is it just a lack of communication skills that puts someone in this harmful one-sided relationship? Can you please give an example of “assertiveness skills” needed to stop and recognize the abusive behavior/repressed emotions while keeping the peace and not enabling a family member’s bulling/codependency to continue. A win-win situation. Thank you!”

I view caretaking and caregiving on a continuum.  We usually aren’t doing both at the same time.  The goal is to do as much caregiving as we can and to decrease our caretaking as much as we can.  Caretaking is a dysfunctional, learned behavior that can be changed.  We want to change so we can experience more peace, more contentment and more fulfilling relationships.  The people in your life may resist your healthier actions, but modeling caregiving is a huge gift you are giving to your loved ones.

Below are the ways you can begin to tell the differences between caretaking and caregiving.  It may be helpful at first to think of those in your life who caretake you (“That’s totally my mom!” or  “Oh, I  didn’t realize that caretaking is what my brother has been doing, but it fits,” or “My best friend is a caretaking queen!”).

After you identify who is caretaking you, then ask yourself what role you play to keep that dynamic going (“OMG, I am caretaker too!”).   In a nutshell, caretaking is a hallmark of codependency and is rooted in insecurity and a need to be in control.  Caregiving is an expression of kindness and love.

Here are some key differences between caretaking and caregiving:

• Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating.  Caregiving feels right and feels like love.  It re-energizes and inspires you.
• Caretaking crosses boundaries.  Caregiving honors them.
• Caretaking takes from the recepient or gives with strings attached; caregiving gives freely.
• Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
• Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
• Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
• Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.
• Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving capabilities.
• Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker.  Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
• Caretakers tend to attract needy people.  Caregivers tend to attract healthy people.  (Hint:  We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
• Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
• Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
• Caretakers  start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
• Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
• Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.

As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step.  Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum.  It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.

I recommend the work of Melody Beattie who is a groundbreaker in codependency education.  If you find yourself in relationships with people who have addictions or if you struggle with your own addictions, I recommend Codependent No More:  How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (also Al-Anon, which is a 12 step group).  If you aren’t in relationship with someone who has an addiction or if you do not suffer from an addiction, I recommend her new book “The New Codependency:  Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation.”
Reference:  Beattie, Melody (1991).  Codependent No More:  How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

I once heard the spiritual teacher, Marianne Williamson say (I am paraphrasing) that if you have 17 tears to cry and you only cry 10 of them, you have 7 tears that you are holding onto and they will become toxic.  The chemical make-up of tears verifies this.  Emotional tears actually have a different chemical structure than reflexive tears (tears produced by eye irritation) and that emotional “tears appear to play a significant role in detoxification of the body and enhancement of mental well-being” (Fooladi, 2005,  p.250).  In addition, emotional crying can produce endorphins to actually relieve the pain we’re suffering.

I know people who come to me years after a death to work on their grief and I think about all the un-cried tears that have contributed to their carried pain.  We think that something is wrong with us when we cry – we want to stop it  – cut it off – get over it – move on with life – etc.  When we do that, we are asking ourselves to not be human.  Crying as a response to sadness is actually a gift that we have because it is almost exclusively a human trait.

Another reason we hold the tears back is that we think that if we start we won’t stop.  I know it’s hard to believe, but your tears have a beginning and they do have an end.  Crying helps us express the pain and what we don’t express, we will repress.  That repression may delay healing and interfere with adaptation of the loss, meaning making and continuing the bond with our loved ones who have died.  Crying also signals empathetic responses in others which can enable us to receive connection and comfort.  It is a way of asking for love and support without words.

Granted, whether alone or in the presence of a safe and trusted person, it is no picnic.  It hurts.  It’s messy.  It reveals our vulnerability.  For many of us, being that raw and vulnerable can be very difficult and can feel out of control, intimidating, uncomfortable and/or foreign.  Paradoxically, I see crying as a signal of strength.  I don’t like it either, but I get through it with the knowledge that on the other side is healing and growth.  For me, it is a small price to pay for love.

(*A note: There are some cultures who do not view emotional crying as an appropriate response to emotional pain and have not been socialized to react to emotional pain with tears.  Many people in our culture also may feel that crying is not appropriate for them either.  This article is written to give those who need or want to cry as a result of emotional pain (or who are crying, but wish not to be) the permission and encouragement to do so.  It is in no way suggesting that all people need to react to emotional pain with tears if that is not their authentic response.  If you know someone who isn’t crying, but you think they should be crying, that is YOUR issue and not theirs.  They are just having a different response to grief than yours.)

Fooladi, Marjaneh.  (2005).  The Healing Effects of Crying.  Holistic Nursing Practice, 19(6), 248-255.

When we think about trusting someone, we tend to think of it in terms of all or nothing.  Either we trust this person or we don’t.   We trust ourselves or we don’t.  We trust that we will be taken care of or we don’t.  We think it’s like a switch we can turn on or off on a whim.  It’s not.  I label that kind of all or nothing trust as “unhealthy trust.”     And if you change the way you think about trust and learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy trust, you will save yourself a lot of heartache because trust is at the core of all of our relationships.

Healthy trust is actually a process that happens over time and it’s helpful to think of it on a continuum.  I like to think of the continuum as vertical instead of horizontal, so a “trust ladder” is a metaphor that works for me.  There are two principles that you must know if you want to understand how to develop healthy, trusting relationships or if you want to get out of pain in any of your relationships.   The two principles are:

1.  Trust is a ladder and you give your trust to others (and they give it to you) rung by rung.  Healthy people can risk giving the first rung as an offering of kindness and connection.

2.  People are always, always, always teaching you how to treat them by their behaviors.  They are constantly communicating with you with their behavior about how the relationship will continue to be.

I’ve found that it’s easiest to understand healthy vs. unhealthy trust through story (It’s a completely made up story, not based on any real people).    I’ll tell the story and deconstruct it using the two principles, so you can see them in action.  (Another note:  I used a couple for my example – but it works in ALL relationships). Once upon a time……

Let’s say there’s a woman (we’ll call her Sam) and she is in her 30’s and she has started dating using an online dating service after a relationship ended 5 months ago because of trust issues.  She has found out about the 2 principles and refuses to partake in unhealthy trust ever again.  She will only give her trust one rung at a time and will pay attention to behavior of people and allow that to be the truth teller in relationships.

She finds John’s profile and likes what she reads and sends him an email.  (This is Healthy Trust from a healthy person.  She is putting herself out there, taking a risk and using principle #1, she offers John the first rung of the trust ladder.) He does not reply.  (Principle #2 He is teaching her with his behavior that he is not interested in returning her interest.  He does not offer a rung of his ladder.) She decides that she will not email him again.  She feels disappointed and wants to email him again, but prefers to stay in healthy trust land so she moves on.  (Very impressive, she is committed to responding to his behavior decided to learn the lesson he is teaching her about himself and she withdraws her rung).

A few weeks later she finds Stephen and emails him.  (She offers her first rung.) He emails her back (He offers her a rung of his ladder) and they have a few exchanges that seem promising.   She decides she would like to speak with him on the phone (She offers the next rung, taking a risk).  He agrees and she calls him and they talk for a couple of hours where they both seem to enjoy the conversation and take turns disclosing information.  (They are climbing the ladder together rung by rung.) Then one day, he doesn’t call when he said he would.   She calls him, but it goes to voice mail and her call isn’t returned within the week.  She knows something is up and starts thinking about her vow to stop unhealthy trust.  She is not sure what her next move is, but decides to email him a note stating that she called and was checking on him and hopes everything is okay and requests a return call or email and Stephen does not reply.  (Stephen is teaching her that he no longer is offering her rungs of his ladder and no longer interested in moving forward.  Sam knows that if she continues to call him or email him, she is acting out of unhealthy trust, which is when you continually offer more trust than what the person has taught you they are capable of receiving.  When a person continues to trust, and the person has not earned it or even asked for it, then the relationship is out of balance and therefore, unhealthy trust is afoot and that is when the pain begins.  The space between the last rung that the other person gave you and your next rung is pain. She could continue to call and email, but that will only cause pain and drama on her part – and only her part.  Shephen has taught her that he is not interested in continuing, but if she chose not to learn the lesson and continues to offer the next rung of trust, then pain is on the way.  She may have feelings of confusion and disappointment that Stephen did not continue with her and that would make sense and be healthy, but to try to force continuing would be unhealthy. )

After another month Preston emails her (He offers her a rung), she responds and it proceeds to regular emails, then calls and then a few dates  They take turns offering the next rung on the ladder of trust and there have been no red flags, no unreturned calls, they do what they say they are going to do, disclose appropriately, follow through and are enjoying each other.  (This is healthy trust and yes, they live happily ever after.  In the real life fairy tale, there are going to be issues and hard times, but they honor each other by offering rung after rung to each other, one rung at a time).

Happy people practice healthy trust and pay attention to what the people in their lives are teaching them and they honor that.  If you are tired of the pain,  drama, mixed messages,  chaos of unhealthy trust you can start right now with a vow, just like our heroine, Sam and take a vow to practice healthy trust.

Resource:  Kotler, Stephen (1995).  Trust Me, Please.  SELF, Vol. 17, No. 11 158-159.

I will agree that we need time to grieve and mourn, but it is not time that does the job of healing.   If we do not do the necessary grief work (accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain, making the necessary adjustments and creating meaning from the loss), we will end up with what Alan Wolfelt calls “carried grief.”   Carried grief is when you do not mourn your loss and take the pain with you into everyday of your life.  I think of it like deciding to keep a splinter in your arm because you are afraid of the pain of digging it out, but imagine your life with this throbbing, dull ache forever.  That is why we have to mourn and grieve and that is why time alone simply cannot make that happen.

Think about it, grieving is a consequence of loving.And if you carry your grief with you for the rest of your life, that splinter you’ve decided to keep turns into a wall. Yes, this wall may prevent you from feeling pain right now, but guess what? It’s also preventing you from experiencing love.

I know it’s hard.  I really do, but you can do it.  Since grieving is a normal, natural process, you are completely capable of grieving on your own.  But, if you are having trouble with accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain on your own (including feeling guilty and/or ashamed), making the physical, emotional and spiritual adjustments or finding meaning from your loss, I definitely recommend spending time with an skilled and compassionate grief counselor who gets it.

References:

Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy:  A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner 4th Edition.
Author:  J. William Worden

Living in the Shadow of The Ghosts of Grief
Author:  Alan D. Wolfelt