Somehow we expect that when we give something up or start a new behavior, it should be easy and we should get immediate results.  But — think about it — if it were that easy, wouldn’t it be happening already?  The truth is that it’s hard.  Like really, really hard.  The good news is that the difficulty is TEMPORARY.

So…what’s required?

1.  Stamina:  Success is going to take a lot of stamina.  Do not underestimate the amount of energy that is going to be required.  It’s easy to lose weight at the fancy spa that serves low calorie delicious organic meals while you take in the beautiful scenery surrounding you.  It’s not so easy at the end of a stressful day when you’re tired and hungry and without even intending it somehow find yourself sitting in the McDonald’s drive-thru. Trying to live a new way requires extra energy….and when you’re depleted, it’s fairly automatic to revert to the old ways because falling into old habits really doesn’t require much effort.

2.  Preparation, patience, practice and persistence:  Capturing your hopes and dreams is a marathon – not a sprint.  Changing a behavior is the equivalent of participating in a distance race.  What if I asked you to get up right now and run a marathon.  Go.  Yes — right now! With only the clothes you are wearing right now and only the shoes on your feet. Ready…set….26.2 miles…GO!

But before you start running…even if you are ready and willing to take my challenge, even if you’re in great shape — even if you’re wearing a track suit –you probably aren’t going to make it. How will you know when you’ve gone the whole way? I haven’t shown you the map. How will you fuel yourself? I didn’t give you any energy bars. And what about water? Clearly, taking me up on my challenge isn’t a wise idea. But notice, you don’t feel bad about yourself nor has your self-esteem suffered because you can’t run my imaginary marathon right now…because you know that it is a silly request.  You’re fine because…well, you know that asking you to run a marathon without preparation is ridiculous, dangerous and probably impossible. You don’t have expectations on yourself that you would succeed.

Yet, when you make the decision to lose weight…or to stop buying things you can’t afford…or stop the affair…or stop drinking…or start writing your book…or start exercising…or start your business… or go back to school – or whatever you hope for……you beat yourself up because you’re not doing it or changing immediately.  Expecting perfection and immediate results is like ordering yourself to run a marathon right now.  You are not operating under the right mindset because achieving dreams is a marathon.  And if you are mad at yourself, you aren’t being realistic or compassionate with yourself.  You might as well be asking ourselves to run a marathon completely untrained, unprepared and unsupported.  You can’t do it, not because you’re failure or loser.  You can’t do it because that is not the way you are wired.  You aren’t built to go from 0 to 26.2.  But you ARE built to go from 0 to 1 and from 1 to 2 or 3 and so on until 26.2 or higher.

3.  Action and Inertia:  I ran a marathon once. It was a harrowing experience. At the starting gate I was high on life thinking — “I’ve got this! I can do this!” and felt really proud of myself for taking on such a challenge. I felt at one with everyone at the race and all of the planets and stars were aligned for me.  When the race started, I worked my plan — one step at a time, taking one step after another. I was so proud of myself…Yipee! Unfortunately, my elation was short-lived. Six miles into the race I was still happy, but it started to feel like work. But I persevered…and kept taking one step after the other.  At miles nine to eleven I’m still feeling pretty happy…but I’ll be honest — I wasn’t loving everyone around me as much as I did when I started and I was wondering if maybe a star or two had slipped out of alignment. But I kept on! One step…after the other.

By mile 17 I was so grumpy and not loving anybody very much including myself for taking on this really stupid endeavor. But stopping at this point wasn’t really an option. I had to keep going. One…step…after…the other.

Mile 20 saw tears and maybe even a little cursing. I was really hating every…miserable…moment. No point in stopping now though…all I could do was continue to take one step after the other.

Somewhere during mile 25 — the last mile — something magical happened. I heard the crowd cheering me on. A few minutes later I was though the finish line and there was a medal hanging around my neck! What a wonderful world! I love everything again! That dream of mine was accomplished – regardless of the thoughts in my head and my shifting mood - with one simple step…after the other.

4.  Self-Compassion:  You’re asking a lot of yourself.  You are one of the few who are willing to walk the road less traveled.  But I have a question: are you a compassionate person?  I’m guessing you would say absolutely.  Of course you are. You’re kind-hearted and loving…..to others.  What is the answer if I ask you if you are compassionate with yourself?  Not so much…huh?  I thought so.  I used to suffer from this one.  Others deserved my compassion, but I should know better or do better or be better and I never cut myself a break.  But then I learned a simple truth: “you can’t give away what you do not have.”  If you simply can’t find it in yourself to be compassionate with yourself – get help from a supportive professional counselor or life coach, because you can’t get to your hopes and dreams without having self-compassion.

5.  Faith:  I’ve heard the spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson say that “there is no such thing as a faithless person.”  To me, that means you can have faith that things will go well…or you can have faith that they won’t go well.  Faith can be in yourself, faith in these hope articles, faith in God or faith that you can do it differently – that you can choose differently.  Think about what you have faith in and re-up or perhaps move your faith to optimism, goodness and triumph.  That day of the marathon I had faith that I could cross the finish line.  I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I had faith in my training, my legs, my mind and my spirit.

I’m so excited for you as you work toward your hopes and dreams and how wonderful that they are guaranteed!!

PS

If you want more tips on how to sustain a change, read Willpower:  Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney.  It’s got all the current research on willpower and it’s well written and interesting.

However, there are some things that you may have tried in vain to change that frustrate you to no-end! You went for your goal – full out – but still, what you hoped for eluded you. You got frustrated, disgusted and mad at yourself. You felt as though you were back to square one (or worse) and you couldn’t figure out what went wrong.

That’s because with some things you have to go deeper than simply thinking and behaving differently. So, the crucial ingredient that may have prevented your success might have been:

If you don’t believe you are truly worthy of your hopes and dreams, you won’t achieve them. Ever.

How could you? Most people, if they don’t think they deserve something, push it away — sometimes without even realizing it. They just push their dream to the side, or give up, or self-sabotage, or head to their favorite drug of choice – whatever is needed to get numb because they just can’t handle that much love or goodness or feelings of accomplishment.

Most people have it backwards – they believe if they get thin enough, rich enough, have the right job, right relationship or the right degree, then they will be worthy. It’s actually the opposite – when you feel worthy, then those things that you hope for have an easier time coming to you. It still requires hard work, but you won’t push it away because you will believe that you are worthy.

So, if you don’t feel you are truly worthy and deserving of good things in your life, just because you’re you, then it’s time to heal that thought. Yes, healing is required. If you don’t believe that you are worthy – that is a wound that needs to be healed.

Think about it – babies aren’t born thinking they don’t deserve to be cared for – they’re not thinking, “I hope I am not inconveniencing these lovely people – I don’t want to bother them – I don’t deserve to get my needs met – they look busy and I don’t really matter.” No! They are wailing their little sweet heads off to get swaddled, cuddled, loved, fed etc. When you were a baby you knew you were magnificent and absolutely worthy.

Somewhere along the way, you learned that you were not worthy and you don’t deserve good things. For some, this horrible lesson was reinforced everyday of childhood. I’m telling you – you LEARNED that and it WOUNDED you. And now it’s time to roll your sleeves up and heal because your Hopes are waiting for you and they are Guaranteed – but only if you truly know that you deserve them.

Healing the part of you that doesn’t accept that you are worthy is not just “a next step.” It’s your life’s work. You must figure out how to accept the fact that you deserve everything you wish for because if you are wishing it,then that means deep down a part of you DOES believe that you deserve it. It’s time to work with that other, wounded part of you the doesn’t believe it – the part that is wounded, hurt and lost.

The most efficient way to do this work is with a skilled professional counselor. Of course, you will be doing the work, but the counselor will guide you and give you tips and tools along the way. The counselor you work with needs to be really good and who walks the walk. Be selective and trust your intuition. A good counselor is one that you feel safe with and click with. The person should really “get you” and most importantly, your life is getting better as a result of your relationship. Remember that you are a consumer of counseling services and you get to have the results that you’re after, otherwise, what’s the point?

If you are dealing with an addiction, the 12 Steps are amazing and there is a chair waiting for you at AA, OA, GA, NA, etc. And it’s free!!! I personally think everyone should work the steps (they are spiritual principles you will find in most religious traditions, but written in easy to follow steps – they will change your life). If you are in a close relationship with someone with an addiction, then that gives you a chair at an Al-Anon meetings and you can work the 12 Steps there. One of the great sayings is try the 12 Steps for 6 to 12 months and if your life isn’t much, much better, then quit and your misery will be refunded. Love it.

You could also head to your bookstore and find a title that speaks to you in the psychology, spirituality or personal growth work sections. Reading will not help – only pick up books that require action on your part and work the heck of the book. If you need a head start, the I recommend The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. Again, don’t read it – work it or you are just wasting your time. If your life isn’t changing as a result of working from books on your own, then that means that you need more assistance. You need to take greater action. Get to an appropriate 12 Step meeting (again – free!) or do what ever it takes to find a good counselor.

If you are still reading this article, then you are being called to heal. You must do this work to heal yourself. It’s time and you’re ready. I’m excited for you because what you Hope for is Guaranteed!! Take the next step toward your personal growth and healing so that you can live the life you are meant to live. What you Hope for is Guaranteed, but only if you already know that it’s true, because you are magnificent and deserve it.

This is the kind of Hope you need to have if you want your Guarantee:

1. You must a have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life.

2. You must have the know-how to accomplish your dreams, vision or goals and the resolve to accomplish them.

3. You must have the confidence that you are actually able to accomplish your dreams, vision and goals.

You know from Part One that the life you are living is an effect — and the preceding cause of the effect are the choices you have made. So, if you change your choices, you can absolutely change your life.

Unfortunately, changing your choices is really, really hard. For every part of you that wants to change there is also a part of you that is doesn’t want to. And that part of you will cling to they way things are.

If you can’t change your choices, then your life won’t change either and you won’t be able to fulfill your dreams. It may very well be that the reason you haven’t been able to achieve all of your dreams is because you couldn’t change — which means you couldn’t apply all three of the crucial aspects of Hope I describe above.

To be successful and achieve your dreams you need to apply all three Hope aspects.

Consider what happens if you apply only one:

1. You have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life.

Let’s say you are sick of being overweight and decide to lose 20 pounds. You have your dream and you hope it comes true (that is aspect #1). That’s a start! Except now it’s 7 PM, you just got home from work and you’re starving for dinner. You open the freezer for the Lean Cuisine but five minutes later find yourself in front of the TV eating Cherry Garcia right out of the tub. Having a dream clearly isn’t enough — and just having a dream is almost worse, because you and I both know how terrible you after you finish the ice cream. Now you’re not only overweight, but you feel like a failure too.

But don’t give up! Let’s see what happens if we add another Hope Aspect:

1. You have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life + 2. You have the know-how to accomplish your dreams, visions or goals and you resolve to accomplish them =

You want to lose 20 pounds ( This is aspect#1) AND you decide to figure out how to lose weight (this is aspect #2). You go to the weight loss section of the book store, you get a couple of books about healthy weight loss, you go to a Weight Watcher’s meeting or join an online diet program, you figure out an exercise program. You really start to understand how this can work and you make a great start applying what you’ve learned. Then comes somebody’s birthday at work and you’ve been feeling kind of down lately. You know the having the cake isn’t in line with what you’ve learned about losing weight, but you think to yourself that this is just too hard for you to sustain and you basically give up. You have the cake and then some more cake thinking that maybe you are just not cut out to be a thin person and that you knew you’d give up anyhow and who were you to think you could lose weight?  And that is just the beginning of the negative self-talk.

So having the hope and then figuring out how to accomplish it is not enough to defend against the part of you that overeats. Let’s see what happens when you add aspect #3 to aspect #1 and #2

1. You have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life + 2. You have the know-how to accomplish your dreams, vision or goals and you resolve to accomplish them + 3. You have the confidence that you are actually able to accomplish your dreams, vision and goals =

Let’s say everything is the same in the above scenario, except after you eat a piece of cake you don’t beat yourself up, but you remember that this journey of losing weight is going to have it’s difficult points and that sometimes you will give in, but that you know that you can do this. You know that if you put your mind to this, that you really can do it. You are determined and know that nothing will stop you. If you keep failing, you will continue to learn more about why – maybe you hire a counselor or coach to help you figure out what gets in your way, but you won’t give up because even though it is hard – you got this!

Imagine…if you approached all of the things you wanted with all three aspects of Hope – there is nothing you couldn’t accomplish! When you live with that kind of gusto and determination, what you Hope for is Guaranteed.

But there is even more to the story. I believe there is one more aspect of Hope that is crucial! And….you’ll learn about it in the next part (Part Three) in this series. And in Part Four, I will give you more proof that you really are just a few steps away from beginning the journey to achieving all of your dreams.

Resource: Brown, Brene (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are.

It’s true if you have all the trappings of a successful life and have “nothing to complain about,” yet you feel an emptiness inside.  It’s true if your life doesn’t completely suck, but it also doesn’t make your heart sing either.   And it’s true if things are going pretty well, but you have a few things that you would like to be different.  You deserve to live fully and experience what you want out of life it’s what you are meant to do – and you know that to your core.

We are not supposed to “go through the motions” of life.  We are supposed to fully live it with all of our hearts and you – whoever you are – no matter how lost, lonely and afraid you are – no matter what you’ve done or what’s been done to you – no matter how many times you’ve tried and failed – no matter who you’ve lost – no matter how much pain you carry – no matter what – you still get to Hope and What You Hope for – deep, deep down inside – is Guaranteed.  There are no exceptions.

Notice how your energy has changed since you’ve been reading this.  What you’re feeling is a spark of Hope and it is alive and well inside you.   (If you happen to be angry or annoyed at what you’re reading, then most likely you are still thinking you’re the exception and you’re too broken or too dark or too far gone.  That’s okay.  It’s not true, but it’s okay that you still think that.  But, I have good news for you: you are still reading and that means that Hope is still in there somewhere – it’s just hard to get to right now.  That’s okay – Hope will find it’s way back to you).

I am here to tell you that you don’t ever have to feel hopeless again because you absolutely – 100% – can create a life that is full of purpose and that brings you peace, joy and the good stuff you want.

So let’s get to the how I can make such an audacious claim.  This is not a “I found my Hope and got the Guarantee and so can you!” statement (although that is true).  And I don’t make that proclamation because my work as a counselor and life coach has allowed me to witness it happen over and over again in the lives of my clients (although that is also true).  I don’t think either of those is enough to make such a grand statement that the Hope that you have for your life is Guaranteed.  How do I know – and I mean know it can happen for you?

Because it is simply cause and effect.

For every cause, there’s an effect, right? So in your life what is the effect?  The effect is the life you’re living.  So that means the life you are living has a cause.  What’s the cause?  It’s your choices.   We are always, always, always living the effects of our choices.  Another way I like to say it is that we are always living the consequences (effect) of our choices (cause).

This is huge.  Read it one more time: You are always living the consequences of your choices.  So that means, if you make different choices, you can have a different effect.  That is the same thing as saying if you make choices in the direction of the life you want to live, then you will be living the life you want to live.

Voila.  Hope (Cause) is Guaranteed (Effect).

Okay, so there is more (which is why this article is only Part One in a series).  If there was ever a concept to fit the 12 Step dictum “simple, but not easy,” this is it.   And for those of you who are already beating yourself up by thinking that the bad things in your life are “your fault” – you can stop because it isn’t.  I’m talking about Hope here and Hope has nothing to do with “fault.”

In the coming weeks, I will continue to guide you through the process so that it makes more sense and so you can apply it to your life.  Feeling hopeful?  Me too!!

An Important Note:  There are exceptions to make about cause and effect and there are some consequences that no one asks for.  Children are living the effects of their parents choices and are not responsible for the effects in their lives and usually don’t have the resources to make changes.  (Interestingly, they seem to have a lot of Hope in spite of that, don’t they?)  I also understand that poverty and being a true victim of violence or violent and/or discriminatory people or systems are not choices.   Physical limitations and mental illness are not choices.  I am also not talking about accidents or natural disasters.  (However, I do know of people who have lived through some or almost all of these and have somehow found Hope.)  If you are living in a hopeless place right now – my heart truly, truly goes out to you and I will hold on to Hope on your behalf.

Magical Psychological Power #1: AND Helps You Get Unstuck

You are a complex human being with a complex psyche and you get to have more than one feeling at a time.  For instance, you can feel love AND frustration at the same time.  Like most people, you probably tend to use the word “but” instead.  Take the sentence “I am so frustrated, but I love him.”   Let’s say he makes a habit of embarrassing you in public and you’ve set a boundary around the behavior, but he continues the behavior.  You continue to get embarrassed, which leads to your frustration.  You have nowhere to go if you keep using the sentence “I am so frustrated, but I love him.”

The use of the word “but” psychologically negates the first half of the sentence.  What is implied is that yes, you are frustrated, but you are powerless to do anything because you love him.  Basically. you are telling yourself to get over your issue and that isn’t going to go well.   You won’t be solving your problem and the issue isn’t handled, which will lead to a build up of resentment in the relationship.

Now let’s insert AND instead. ” I am frustrated AND I love him.”  Yes!  Both parts are the sentence are true and exist simultaneously.  He’s doing something irritating and embarrassing AND you love this guy.  Notice how much more freeing this is.  Now you can continue to work on the boundary about the embarrassing you in public thing and love him too.  Hooray!  It doesn’t mean that it won’t be challenging (AND is good, but not that good), and now you can begin to solve your problem and move forward together instead of shutting yourself down.

Magical Psychological Power #2: AND is an Antidote to Complaining

I had a previous relationship with someone cruel, verbally abusive, manipulative  and conniving.  I used to complain about it with others while I was in it.  I would find others to say “Oh my God!” or “How horrible that he did that to you!!” Some of this was fine and I got support in a difficult time.  However, some of the complaining just prolonged the misery.  Now let’s add the magic word:  I had a previous relationship with someone cruel, verbally abusive, manipulative and conniving AND I kept staying in that relationship.  The reason AND works is not to make myself feel bad, but to actually look at MY part in the relationship – I continued to take the cruelty and verbal abuse.  He couldn’t continue the negative behaviors without my permission.  If I am just complaining, I am not moving in the direction of a solution, but continuing to stay in the problem.

AND gives you that same gift because it gives you a place to start.  You might be used to complaining about others for their bad behavior and that habit creates a lack of insight.  It reminds me of that saying about when you point a finger at someone else that there are three fingers pointing back at you.  I’m not saying that the other person is totally off the hook or what is happening is okay.  What I am saying is that it is your responsibility to look at how you might be contributing to the problem and how you allow bad behaviors to continue.

Magical Psychological Power #3: AND Helps You Know and Accept Yourself Fully

It does this by allowing you to own all aspects of yourself, even when they conflict with each other.  Remember, your psyche is vast and complex.  Taking ownership and accepting all of your feelings – possibly even celebrating them – can lead you to so much freedom and happiness.

Someone can be or feel generous AND selfish, kind AND mean, strong AND weak, helpless AND empowered, serious AND silly, shy AND outspoken, fearful AND determined,  satisfied AND unsatisfied – you get the idea.  The possbilities of paradox, dichotomies and contradictions are endless.  Owning them can help you have compassion for yourself because if you have a moment when you are not perfect or if you’re thoughtless or you’ve gotten it wrong, you can remember that you are so much more than that and all you have to do is reach for your new favorite word.

Maybe what they mean is that they just can’t handle too much of a great thing. You never see those same people complaining about the fact that someone is “too pretty” or “too smart.” They don’t throw those expressions around as insults because it would be ridiculous and laughable. I feel the same way now about sensitivity because being “too sensitive” is actually a gift. Being sensitive is really more  fulfilling than physical beauty and it is actually a way of being smart. Those who are sensitive are usually high in emotional intelligence which is having the ability to understand, perceive, use and manage our emotions and the emotions of others, which can make for a deep and fulfilling relationships.

Elaine Aron, the psychologist who coined the expression “highly sensitive person,” wrote in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You that 15 to 20 percent of people meet the traditional criteria for being “highly sensitive.” Plus there are also those who don’t necessarily qualify as “highly” sensitive, but who still score pretty highly on the “sensitivity continuum.” Think about that: based on her finding, about every fifth person qualifies as being “too sensitive.” That’s a lot of sensitive people!

Which makes it especially interesting because high sensitivity isn’t valued in our culture. What is valued are the qualities that make people (and things) bigger, over-the-top, and larger than life — qualities in my experience that highly sensitive people tend not to enjoy or create in large doses. This is what leads to the name calling and denigration of sensitivity and sensitive people.  Which then leads to us denigrating it in ourselves.  So our work is to begin to honor it in ourselves and others.  I am proud of my high sensitivity and wouldn’t trade it for anything.

While it may not be valued as much, what highly sensitive people bring to the table is just as important, even if it is a little more subtle. In my experience, highly sensitive people tend be especially good at seeing e bigger picture. They see a lot of things that other people may miss, and they have a very intuitive, very conscientious way of engaging with their world.  Best of all we connect deeply, love deeply and people tend to seek us out because we listen deeply.

If you have heard the “you’re too sensitive” comment and some of these qualities sound like you, I recommend that you visit Elaine Aron’s website at www.hsperson.com where you can take the highly sensitive person assessment. There are two main reasons why it’s important to acknowledge your sensitivity. The first is so that you begin to understand yourself and appreciate it as a gift. The other is so that you can begin to understand how to manage it.

Sensitive people really do need to take care of themselves in a way non-sensitives don’t have too. We can get tired if there is ongoing stimulation such as loud noises, parties, football games, etc. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love those things, it just means that we should probably stop beating ourselves up for getting tired. Some of us have to limit the negativity and violence we see in the media. We also have to be careful that we protect ourselves from negative and/or toxic people and relationships. If you are sensitive and are in an unhealthy relationship now, you may notice that you might have to self-medicate with food, alcohol, drugs or some other form of acting out to tolerate it.  Not managing your sensitivity can also lead to anxiety and depression.

I hope you begin to own your sensitivity as one of your best features and if you feel that you don’t know how to manage it or if you need support on how to excel in a world that doesn’t value your gift, I urge you to find the resources to help such as reading Elaine Aron’s books and learning the coping skills and/or to seek our sensitive-friendly counseling or coaching. And if someone tells you that your are “too sensitive,” I hope you say, “thank you!”

Resource: Aron, Elaine. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You.

Start by knowing the qualities of trustworthy people. If they do all of these things, or most of these things, then it may be safe or appropriate for you to trust them. If there are people in your life who don’t do these things — well, they may not be worthy of your trust.

Qualities of Trustworthy People

• Trustworthy people usually show up on time.
• When trustworthy people say something will happen, it usually does.
• If trustworthy people tell you about an event, the information they give you is so thorough that when you find out more about the event or learn about it from another source, usually the descriptions match.
• Trustworthy people rarely lie and don’t expect you to lie for them.
• Trustworthy people usually don’t lie by omission to “protect’ you or because they want to avoid “upsetting” you.
• Trustworthy people are rarely hypocritical.
• Trustworthy people usually give real apologies.
• Trustworthy people’s behaviors match their actions.

Know how to practice healthy trust with all of the new people in your life or the ones you decide are trustworthy.  Trust is a shared ladder and people climb it together one rung at a time. If you’re healthy, it’s usually pretty safe to get a rung ahead or a rung behind the other person. But just one. It’s okay to take a risk and put yourselves out there for another person.  Not a big risk, but a small one where you can be a tiny bit vulnerable.

But…if you keep climbing the ladder and the other person hasn’t moved — if they still aren’t sharing with you the trust that you are sharing with them — that’s unhealthy trust.  To understand this in detail, read my article Healthy vs. Unhealthy Trust where I provide thorough examples.

Sometimes it’s hard, but to have successful trusting relationships you need to practice staying on the same rung of the ladder the other person is on. If you climb to the next rung and they don’t follow you — then you may have to let go of wanting the relationship to be on a different rung than it is.  If you continually go up a rung when it’s clear the other person isn’t interested – the space between the rungs is YOUR PAIN.

Something else to consider:  check the list again, this time thinking about yourself. Are you trustworthy? Start becoming a trustworthy person if you are not already one (yes, white lies count). “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” as Gandhi said.  You can’t really expect the people around you to be trustworthy if you’re not (because that would be hypocritical and that is not a quality of a trustworthy person).

Resources: Beck, Martha.  (2009).  Who’s Never Gonna Let You Down and Kotler, Stephen (1995).  Trust Me, Please.  SELF, Vol. 17, No. 11 158-159.

Heart 2 Heart With Elizabeth Kupferman

[podcast]http://www.expressivecounseling.com/wp-content/podcasts/2010-03-11_Heart2Heart.mp3[/podcast]

It’s not enough to say I’m sorry when we’ve done something to hurt someone else.  Saying “I’m sorry” is only the beginning.

The Real Apology comes from the Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch.  He was the author of the book “The Last Lecture.”  There are amazing YouTube videos of him giving his last lecture.  The reason it was his last lecture was because he had terminal pancreatic cancer and only had a short time to live.  If you haven’t seen the videos or read his book, I highly recommend them.

Here is the how you give a Real Apology:

1.  I’m sorry.

2.  It was my fault.

3.  How can I make it up to you?

This is why none of the “I’m sorrys” you’ve received felt good or were the least bit healing – because the necessary remorse, responsibility and amends were missing.  What is so great about the Real Apology, is that once you know about it, you will never have to endure a fake apology ever again.

I recommend you teach it to your closest family members when you are not in a fight.  It’s especially good for children – It’s the instant cure for  “I said I was sorrrry!!!” (Picture eye-rolling and a disgusted face -actually some adults say it that way too.)  The next time you get the mean or insincere “I’m sorry,”  usually followed by the anger because how dare you not “forgive” them.  You can now simply say that you appreciate their apology, but that it is not a “Real Apology” and teach them what the Real Apology is.  Then, it is up to them whether or not they are actually sorry depending on whether they give you the Real Apology or not and you will know if they are sorry or not.

In fact, in his book, Randy Pausch talks about how a “bad apology is worse than no apology” and that when we hurt each other – intentionally or unintentionally, it is like an infection in our relationship.  So, no apology would be like letting the infection continue and the Real Apology would be like the antibiotic.  The reason a bad apology is worse is because “it is like rubbing salt in the wound.”  Just to clarify, a bad apology is anything that does not have the 3 steps.

1.  I’m sorry.  It’s the set up – it is the introduction to the healing.

2.  It is my fault – The person is taking FULL responsibility – not indicating, for instance that if I had not yelled, then you would have not have hit me or saying that “I made you do it” or that you weren’t feeling well or that you had a hard day and that’s why you stormed out or didn’t call me on my birthday.

3.  What can I do to make it up to you? – the amends – this can be little – like “you can take the dog out next” or “rub my shoulders for 15 minutes.”  It could be something huge like “please don’t ever do it again” or “learn to trust me more” or “go to marriage counseling with me.”

Why would we ask others to go to these lengths or to put ourselves through it (it is not fun to be the one apologizing!!)?  Because it will make our lives better, we’ll align our words with our actions, we’ll have no infection in our relationships, we won’t have a build up of resentments and we will be operating from a clean slate.  It brings us closer to the ones we love and gets us back to the business of loving each other fully.  It releases both parties.  The giver is freed because he/she is off the hook for the bad thing they did and the receiver is free to forgive fully because they set the criteria for forgiveness.  It’s perfection.  I’ve been on both sides of a Real Apology and I have been awed by what a profound difference it makes.

Reference:  Pausch, Randy.  2008.  The Last Lecture

For more on the Real Apology, you can listen to the podcast of Michelle Wargo and I discuss it on Heartbeat Radio for Women.

[podcast]http://www.expressivecounseling.com/wp-content/podcasts/2010-03-04_Heart2Heart.mp3[/podcast]

Kathie writes:

Hi! I have a girlfriend who has just gone through a bad break-up. I completely understand that right now the attention of our friendship needs to be focused mainly on her right now, however every time we’ve talked recently, one of three things happen: Either she is talking to someone else while on the phone with me for the majority of the conversation, she hangs up immediately after picking up and claims she’ll call back (which is never the case), or the conversation is completely revolving around her, not necessarily about her break-up, until she rushes off the phone.

I’m trying to be patient and just accept it, but she does this after each break-up and I’m tired of the cycle and feeling unappreciated. What should I do?

Elizabeth discusses how important it is to make sure that both people in a relationship understand what the other wants and needs, as well as how important it is to make sure that both people in a relationship “get a turn” to be the focus of the relationship. It’s not about keeping a scorecard — it’s about making sure that you can both be there for each other when you need support, but that you’re both getting support when you need it.

Elizabeth and Mary also talk about how sometimes people “speak” with their behavior (as opposed to their words) and how to teach people to treat you the way you want (and deserve!) to be treated.

Mary shares a story about a recent fishing trip where she had to decide whether or not she wanted to be right, or whether she wanted to be happy. Elizabeth describes how sometimes it’s hard because we don’t want to have to “let go” of the feelings that went with a situation where we feel like we’ve been wronged, but by deciding whether or not we want to be right, or whether we want to be happy, we can make a big difference and improve our lives.

Elizabeth also talks about the importance of telling people how you feel — sometimes when it even seems obvious — as a tool for cementing your relationship. And sometimes what seems obvious isn’t always.

[podcast]http://www.expressivecounseling.com/wp-content/podcasts/2010-02-25_Heart2Heart.mp3[/podcast]

During the show we also discussed the following e-mail from a listener:

“I was raised to keep the peace, Don’t say anything that isn’t nice, and help before being asked. My questions on codependency are: Does someone’s gender or personality predispose them to a codependent behavior? Is it just a lack of communication skills that puts someone in this harmful one-sided relationship? Can you please give an example of “assertiveness skills” needed to stop and recognize the abusive behavior/repressed emotions while keeping the peace and not enabling a family member’s bulling/codependency to continue. A win-win situation. Thank you!”