Speakers at World Domination Summit 2013 include: Gretchen Rubin,Don Miller, Jonathan Fields, Pamela Slim, DJ Prashant, Danielle LaPorte, Darren Rowse, Chase Jarvis, Chris Brogan, Andrea Scher, David Fugate, Chris Guillebeau, and more. For a full list visit the World Domination Summit website.

Regularly the tickets for the World Domination Summit are $500 + a transfer fee of $50 ($550 per ticket). If you buy them from me, your total cost will be $450 per ticket.

If you would like to buy one or both of the tickets, send me a note.

It’s an amazing event that always sells out — I’ll just be unable to attend because of schedule conflicts.

Actually, that’s not true.  You can keep doing what you’re doing.  You can continue to minimize your wants and needs.  You can continue to not use your voice.  You can continue in your mess, your misery and your drama.   Sadly, it will only get worse.  Like a terminal illness, it will progress and become more miserable and toxic if not treated.

The toxicity doesn’t just want you, it has its eye on your kids (or people that look to you for guidance – your patients, your clients, your partners, your employees, your readers, your siblings, your friends etc.).  If you are not living fully, you are teaching your children and others not to live fully.  Remember, they do what you do, not what you say.  If you aren’t living your values, you aren’t fooling them.   If you don’t break the cycle of dysfunction, it will be your ultimate legacy to your kids.  (That’s why you have to do the work because your parents did not do theirs).

This is not to make you feel guilty.  It’s the dose of truth that you already know.  It’s the wake-up call that you keep pushing the snooze button on.  It’s that still small voice that you keep stuffing down.  It’s okay – you’re okay, you’re here and you’re still reading and that’s huge.  You wouldn’t be reading this if you were not ready.  You can do this.  You must do this – not because I or Mrs. Roosevelt says that you must – because deep down, you know you must.  Take a deep breath.  That’s what it feels like to be awake and alive.  That’s what self-love feels like.  You’re now on the journey to getting it back so you can feel it more and more often.  Welcome back.

Here’s your tool:  Say the quote to yourself, “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” What is the thing you think you cannot do?  What came up?  Now you have your thing. (By the way, it’s supposed to scare the crap out of you and it will be challenging – that’s why you’ve been ignoring it for so long).  Now you know what you need to do or need to work on or need support with and that’s where “must” comes in.  Like a dog does not give up on a bone, do not give up on your “thing you cannot do.”  Then, finally, once you get that goal or the goal changes, repeat as needed.

You can also let go of that bull you’ve grabbed by the horns hoping you could wrestle your Quality Life from it.

You are definitely not going to get your Quality Life from a man.   Nope.

You can also stop looking to a “someday” when you are skinny enough, rich enough, smart enough, talented enough or when you know all the right people or have all the right letters behind your name.  Your Quality Life isn’t going to be mocked by your low-self esteem.

And you can also stop trying to be perfect because it’s impossible for your Quality Life and for perfection to coexist.

Quality is Real and it’s always in your midst.  Why?

Because YOU are Qualilty.  Quality is your birthright.  Quality just IS.   You can’t search for it because you ARE it.  And a Quality Life natually occurs as a consequence of experiencing yourself as a woman of Quality.  Why?

Because a woman of Quality makes decisions based on Quality.  She takes care of her damn self.  She doesn’t allow herself to be treated with disrespect.  She doesn’t allow herself to be belittled, abused, or shamed.  She doesn’t fill her house or her body or her mind with crap.  She doesn’t settle.  She chases her dreams.  She doesn’t give up.  She doesn’t play small.  She owns who she is and isn’t ashamed.  She knows who she is and if she doesn’t, she gets support to figure it out.  She takes time for contemplation and rest.  She’d rather be happy than right.  And when she inadvertently strays away from quality (because she is a human being), she doesn’t beat herself up.  Actually, she will enjoy the hell out of that chocolate shake, stupid reality show or overpriced candle when the need arises.

I don’t care how much you hate your self, how disgusted you are with what you see in the mirror, how hopeless you feel, what you’ve done,  how overwhelmed you are, how miserable you are in your marriage, how annoyed you are with your kids or whatever it is that is keeping you stuck or making you miserable.  I know Quality is alive and well inside you and that you can choose again.

Here is your tool:  With every single choice you make – and I mean every single choice – ask yourself this:  Will doing this bring me one step toward the Quality Life I want for myself or one step away from the Quality Life I want for myself?  And I’ll do it with you today!  Let’s choose toward!!!

With love, Elizabeth

In fact, even though we know that we have experienced a loss in the recent past, we are unlikely to attribute our common symptoms of grief like numbness, anxiety, loneliness, helplessness, difficulty concentrating, irritability and fatigue to its actual source: grief.  People – especially women – usually blame themselves for these actual grief reactions.  Even worse, they often berate themselves for being lame, stupid, lazy, ridiculous, and overly sensitive for feeling those feelings or reacting that way.  It’s so sad because the reality is they are punishing themselves for grieving.

That stops today.  You are grieving and grieving takes so, so much from you.  It’s taking from you right now.  From the moment you found out that the death occurred you have been working hard accepting that hard truth, accepting what it means, accepting that your life is different and that it has been forever changed.  You have been processing pain, the deep sadness, the fear, the loneliness, the anxiety, the anger, the guilt (always so much guilt!) and a million other feelings.  You’ve been making arrangements and dealing with the changes and you have to do things you didn’t have to do before.

You’ve also been busy figuring out where to go from here, what your life will be, how to get you needs met and who the hell is going to love you like that?  You’ve also been figuring out how to continue your bond with the person who died, what that will look like and how you will love and honor him/her and how you’re going to continue to love with this broken heart of yours.  Oh, and you’ve doing all this deep grief work – some of it conscious, some of it unconscious – while living your full life!!

So, be loving and gentle with yourself as you go through your grief and when you have some of those thoughts, feelings and reactions I mentioned above, acknowledge them as grief and definitely don’t call yourself any names.  Own that you are working really hard.

Grief does take our energy and is work, yes, but ultimately, I see it as a precious, sacred gift.  Yes, you read that right.  A gift.  Grief is with us for one reason:  we loved.  Grief is the consequence of love.  Grief will be part of every single relationship we will ever have.  We can’t have the relationship with all that good love and happy part without the grief part.  So, as hard as the grief part is and as much as it will take when it comes around again for me, I’ll take grief every time.

Note:  The grief work mentioned above is paraphrased from Worden’s Tasks of Mourning by J. William Worden in his 2009 book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy:  A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner 4th ed., New York:  Springer

Grief becomes even more difficult and complicated when the death was traumatic because when you have a traumatic loss you are not only grieving that loss, you are also suffering a trauma.  So, in essence, you have not just one problem (grief) you have two different and separate problems (grief AND trauma).

If you’ve read my other work or heard me talk about grief, I don’t ever refer to it as a problem and I don’t believe that it is (although sometimes it may be annoying when you have other things to do – I will grant you that).  Grief is a normal, natural, appropriate response to losing someone we loved.  I only refer to it as a problem when talking about trauma to make the distinction because people who have suffered a trauma as a result of the death they are coping with are often confused by the severity of their pain and the overwhelming and devastating symptoms.  Yes, grief hurts, but those symptoms and that searing pain is most likely a traumatic response and not simply grief.

Trauma impacts the brain in many ways.  For instance, the emotional centers become highly activated, hormones activate the fight or flight mechanisms, speech shuts down (that’s why it’s so hard to talk about what’s happened or describe what you’re going through) and the left hemisphere almost becomes completely inactive all of these things are in the service of saving you.  This is all normal and quite fantastic if you’re being attacked by a bear.  This is what you want to happen so you can fight it or run like hell.  But when you’re surviving someone who has traumatically died, all this is happening, but there is no predator – no healthy coping – no resolution – you’re powerless, helpless.  So, there is this flood of all these stress hormones and with no where to go, ie no bear to fight it’s like it just becomes toxic to our system.  That’s when symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can kick in because there was nothing you could have done – nothing to do.  And you suffer.

So now the symptoms of PTSD make sense because of everything that happened previously in the brain as a response to the trauma.  Here are a few: intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, numbing, distressing dreams, numbing, detached,  can’t concentrate, difficulty falling and staying asleep.

Examples of traumatic deaths:  any violent death including accidents, suicide, homicides; sudden deaths, multiple deaths, death of children (including stillbirths and miscarriages), death of parents of young children, deaths with difficulties at the end or a lot of pain at the end of life.  **Any death that was traumatic for you is a traumatic death.

PTSD isn’t the only option though.  We are resilient beings and there is another way.  It’s called posttraumatic growth.  Posttraumatic growth is a term coined by researchers Tedeschi and Calhoun (one of my undergrad psychology professors!) which is “positive change that the individual experiences as a result of the struggle with a traumatic event (p.11).”  I’m not suggesting that this is easy or done immediately (thus the word “struggle”).  It is also not suggesting that in any way the traumatic loss and situation was a “gift” or contained a “gift.”  Absolutely not.  In some cases, posttraumatic growth might not ever be possible and that is okay.  But, for me, for the person I want to be, no matter what happens, no matter what darkness comes my way, I want to the strength to reach for posttraumatic growth.

I recommend counseling if you have experiencing grief from a traumatic death.  Look for a counselor who is a trained grief counselor or who is experience in working with clients who have trauma.  There are therapies such as EMDR, Expressive Art Therapy and Sandplay Therapy that have been shown to be very effective in reducing trauma symptoms.  Do research and look for certifications and credentials.

References:

1. Badenoch, B. (2008).  Being a Brain Wise Therapist.  New York:  Norton.
2. Calhoun, L. G. & Tedeschi, R. G. (1999).  Facilitating Posttraumatic Growth:  A Clinician’s Guide.  New Jersey:  Lawrence Erlbaum
3. Driscoll, R. “The New Neuroscience:  Implications for Sandplay Therapy.”  Sandplay Therapy Institute. Bloomington, Minnesota. 10 Mar. 2010

The term “grief work” was coined by Freud, so the idea that this grief stuff is hard work has been around for a long time, yet somehow it still doesn’t register.  I remind my clients that they are working really hard frequently because we have a tendency to forget the simple notion that grief indeed is work.   In fact, most of the time even though we know that we have experienced a loss in the recent past, we are unlikely to attribute our common symptoms of grief work like numbness, anxiety, loneliness, helplessness, depression and fatigue to it’s actual source: grief.  We usually blame ourselves for being so lame or stupid or lazy or that we are truly losing our damn minds.

That’s why I like to teach my clients the Tasks of Mourning by J. William Worden found in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.  I think it’s important to point out that many grief researchers, teachers and clinicians do not care for the Tasks of Mourning.  They feel that it boxes people in and are afraid that therapists who use the tasks are trying to make people who are grief fit certain molds, like people used to – and sometimes still do with the stages of grief.  An example of that might be if a grieving person says, “I’m having a hard time today” and an inept therapist might say something idiotic like, “oh, you should be working Task I, now give me your money.”  I would agree if there are therapists out there misusing the Tasks, then they are horrible and they should stop immediately.  You are giving grief counselors a bad name, so please for the love of God stop!!!!

I see the Tasks, not as something that people need to consciously DO.  I see the Tasks as something that people are ALREADY DOING – unconsciously, like it or not.    I teach the Tasks once, so that my clients can forget about them and not worry about them anymore.  I might remind them when they are having a hard time.  For instance, if a client comes in about three months after I have been working with them and I taught them Tasks to them months ago and she says, “I had a miserable weekend and I hardly got through it.”  She tells me that she did her taxes and it was the first time she had to do all of that by herself.  She tells me that she “feels like a complete loser because people do their taxes every year and don’t fall apart like this.”  I explain to her that she was not falling apart just because of her taxes, but because she was also doing her grief work and that is sounds like she was working all of the Tasks that weekend and doing taxes (which technically could be considered grief work as well to some).  So, notice how she doesn’t have to do anything “extra.”  Truly, I see the role of Worden’s Tasks of Mourning as beautiful offering of compassion to hurting people.

The Tasks of Mourning and the details about the Tasks are just there to provide support to you on your journey.  That’s all.  If they are not helpful, then don’t use them.  Use something else.  If some things are helpful and others aren’t, then take what you need and leave the rest.  If nothing is helpful – perfect -you can cross one more thing off your list that didn’t help and now you’re off to find something that will!

In the show Sarah and I discussed Task I and Task II
Task I:  To Accept the Reality of the Loss                                                                          According to Worden, this Task is achieved when a person comes, “full face with the reality that the person is dead, that the person is gone and will not return.  Part of the acceptance of this reality is coming to believe that reunion is not possible, at least in this life (p. 39).”

Task II:  To Process The Pain of Grief                                                                                   This can include emotional symptoms like sadness, loneliness, helplessness, anxiety, shame, guilt, relief, anger, depression, restlessness or physical symptoms like fatigue, appetite and sleep disturbances, difficulty concentrating, fatigue and lack of motivation (this is a short list).

Don’t be mad at yourself for any of these, no more than you would get mad at yourself for forming a scab when you scrape yourself.  This is what coping looks like.  This is what grieving looks like.  Your psyche/psychological immune system is working hard helping you.  Give yourself a break – you’re going through something really hard.

Reference:  Worden, J. W.(2009)  Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy:  A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner 4th ed., New York:  Springer

Somehow we expect that when we give something up or start a new behavior, it should be easy and we should get immediate results.  But — think about it — if it were that easy, wouldn’t it be happening already?  The truth is that it’s hard.  Like really, really hard.  The good news is that the difficulty is TEMPORARY.

So…what’s required?

1.  Stamina:  Success is going to take a lot of stamina.  Do not underestimate the amount of energy that is going to be required.  It’s easy to lose weight at the fancy spa that serves low calorie delicious organic meals while you take in the beautiful scenery surrounding you.  It’s not so easy at the end of a stressful day when you’re tired and hungry and without even intending it somehow find yourself sitting in the McDonald’s drive-thru. Trying to live a new way requires extra energy….and when you’re depleted, it’s fairly automatic to revert to the old ways because falling into old habits really doesn’t require much effort.

2.  Preparation, patience, practice and persistence:  Capturing your hopes and dreams is a marathon – not a sprint.  Changing a behavior is the equivalent of participating in a distance race.  What if I asked you to get up right now and run a marathon.  Go.  Yes — right now! With only the clothes you are wearing right now and only the shoes on your feet. Ready…set….26.2 miles…GO!

But before you start running…even if you are ready and willing to take my challenge, even if you’re in great shape — even if you’re wearing a track suit –you probably aren’t going to make it. How will you know when you’ve gone the whole way? I haven’t shown you the map. How will you fuel yourself? I didn’t give you any energy bars. And what about water? Clearly, taking me up on my challenge isn’t a wise idea. But notice, you don’t feel bad about yourself nor has your self-esteem suffered because you can’t run my imaginary marathon right now…because you know that it is a silly request.  You’re fine because…well, you know that asking you to run a marathon without preparation is ridiculous, dangerous and probably impossible. You don’t have expectations on yourself that you would succeed.

Yet, when you make the decision to lose weight…or to stop buying things you can’t afford…or stop the affair…or stop drinking…or start writing your book…or start exercising…or start your business… or go back to school – or whatever you hope for……you beat yourself up because you’re not doing it or changing immediately.  Expecting perfection and immediate results is like ordering yourself to run a marathon right now.  You are not operating under the right mindset because achieving dreams is a marathon.  And if you are mad at yourself, you aren’t being realistic or compassionate with yourself.  You might as well be asking ourselves to run a marathon completely untrained, unprepared and unsupported.  You can’t do it, not because you’re failure or loser.  You can’t do it because that is not the way you are wired.  You aren’t built to go from 0 to 26.2.  But you ARE built to go from 0 to 1 and from 1 to 2 or 3 and so on until 26.2 or higher.

3.  Action and Inertia:  I ran a marathon once. It was a harrowing experience. At the starting gate I was high on life thinking — “I’ve got this! I can do this!” and felt really proud of myself for taking on such a challenge. I felt at one with everyone at the race and all of the planets and stars were aligned for me.  When the race started, I worked my plan — one step at a time, taking one step after another. I was so proud of myself…Yipee! Unfortunately, my elation was short-lived. Six miles into the race I was still happy, but it started to feel like work. But I persevered…and kept taking one step after the other.  At miles nine to eleven I’m still feeling pretty happy…but I’ll be honest — I wasn’t loving everyone around me as much as I did when I started and I was wondering if maybe a star or two had slipped out of alignment. But I kept on! One step…after the other.

By mile 17 I was so grumpy and not loving anybody very much including myself for taking on this really stupid endeavor. But stopping at this point wasn’t really an option. I had to keep going. One…step…after…the other.

Mile 20 saw tears and maybe even a little cursing. I was really hating every…miserable…moment. No point in stopping now though…all I could do was continue to take one step after the other.

Somewhere during mile 25 — the last mile — something magical happened. I heard the crowd cheering me on. A few minutes later I was though the finish line and there was a medal hanging around my neck! What a wonderful world! I love everything again! That dream of mine was accomplished – regardless of the thoughts in my head and my shifting mood - with one simple step…after the other.

4.  Self-Compassion:  You’re asking a lot of yourself.  You are one of the few who are willing to walk the road less traveled.  But I have a question: are you a compassionate person?  I’m guessing you would say absolutely.  Of course you are. You’re kind-hearted and loving…..to others.  What is the answer if I ask you if you are compassionate with yourself?  Not so much…huh?  I thought so.  I used to suffer from this one.  Others deserved my compassion, but I should know better or do better or be better and I never cut myself a break.  But then I learned a simple truth: “you can’t give away what you do not have.”  If you simply can’t find it in yourself to be compassionate with yourself – get help from a supportive professional counselor or life coach, because you can’t get to your hopes and dreams without having self-compassion.

5.  Faith:  I’ve heard the spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson say that “there is no such thing as a faithless person.”  To me, that means you can have faith that things will go well…or you can have faith that they won’t go well.  Faith can be in yourself, faith in these hope articles, faith in God or faith that you can do it differently – that you can choose differently.  Think about what you have faith in and re-up or perhaps move your faith to optimism, goodness and triumph.  That day of the marathon I had faith that I could cross the finish line.  I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I had faith in my training, my legs, my mind and my spirit.

I’m so excited for you as you work toward your hopes and dreams and how wonderful that they are guaranteed!!

PS

If you want more tips on how to sustain a change, read Willpower:  Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney.  It’s got all the current research on willpower and it’s well written and interesting.

However, there are some things that you may have tried in vain to change that frustrate you to no-end! You went for your goal – full out – but still, what you hoped for eluded you. You got frustrated, disgusted and mad at yourself. You felt as though you were back to square one (or worse) and you couldn’t figure out what went wrong.

That’s because with some things you have to go deeper than simply thinking and behaving differently. So, the crucial ingredient that may have prevented your success might have been:

If you don’t believe you are truly worthy of your hopes and dreams, you won’t achieve them. Ever.

How could you? Most people, if they don’t think they deserve something, push it away — sometimes without even realizing it. They just push their dream to the side, or give up, or self-sabotage, or head to their favorite drug of choice – whatever is needed to get numb because they just can’t handle that much love or goodness or feelings of accomplishment.

Most people have it backwards – they believe if they get thin enough, rich enough, have the right job, right relationship or the right degree, then they will be worthy. It’s actually the opposite – when you feel worthy, then those things that you hope for have an easier time coming to you. It still requires hard work, but you won’t push it away because you will believe that you are worthy.

So, if you don’t feel you are truly worthy and deserving of good things in your life, just because you’re you, then it’s time to heal that thought. Yes, healing is required. If you don’t believe that you are worthy – that is a wound that needs to be healed.

Think about it – babies aren’t born thinking they don’t deserve to be cared for – they’re not thinking, “I hope I am not inconveniencing these lovely people – I don’t want to bother them – I don’t deserve to get my needs met – they look busy and I don’t really matter.” No! They are wailing their little sweet heads off to get swaddled, cuddled, loved, fed etc. When you were a baby you knew you were magnificent and absolutely worthy.

Somewhere along the way, you learned that you were not worthy and you don’t deserve good things. For some, this horrible lesson was reinforced everyday of childhood. I’m telling you – you LEARNED that and it WOUNDED you. And now it’s time to roll your sleeves up and heal because your Hopes are waiting for you and they are Guaranteed – but only if you truly know that you deserve them.

Healing the part of you that doesn’t accept that you are worthy is not just “a next step.” It’s your life’s work. You must figure out how to accept the fact that you deserve everything you wish for because if you are wishing it,then that means deep down a part of you DOES believe that you deserve it. It’s time to work with that other, wounded part of you the doesn’t believe it – the part that is wounded, hurt and lost.

The most efficient way to do this work is with a skilled professional counselor. Of course, you will be doing the work, but the counselor will guide you and give you tips and tools along the way. The counselor you work with needs to be really good and who walks the walk. Be selective and trust your intuition. A good counselor is one that you feel safe with and click with. The person should really “get you” and most importantly, your life is getting better as a result of your relationship. Remember that you are a consumer of counseling services and you get to have the results that you’re after, otherwise, what’s the point?

If you are dealing with an addiction, the 12 Steps are amazing and there is a chair waiting for you at AA, OA, GA, NA, etc. And it’s free!!! I personally think everyone should work the steps (they are spiritual principles you will find in most religious traditions, but written in easy to follow steps – they will change your life). If you are in a close relationship with someone with an addiction, then that gives you a chair at an Al-Anon meetings and you can work the 12 Steps there. One of the great sayings is try the 12 Steps for 6 to 12 months and if your life isn’t much, much better, then quit and your misery will be refunded. Love it.

You could also head to your bookstore and find a title that speaks to you in the psychology, spirituality or personal growth work sections. Reading will not help – only pick up books that require action on your part and work the heck of the book. If you need a head start, the I recommend The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. Again, don’t read it – work it or you are just wasting your time. If your life isn’t changing as a result of working from books on your own, then that means that you need more assistance. You need to take greater action. Get to an appropriate 12 Step meeting (again – free!) or do what ever it takes to find a good counselor.

If you are still reading this article, then you are being called to heal. You must do this work to heal yourself. It’s time and you’re ready. I’m excited for you because what you Hope for is Guaranteed!! Take the next step toward your personal growth and healing so that you can live the life you are meant to live. What you Hope for is Guaranteed, but only if you already know that it’s true, because you are magnificent and deserve it.

This is the kind of Hope you need to have if you want your Guarantee:

1. You must a have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life.

2. You must have the know-how to accomplish your dreams, vision or goals and the resolve to accomplish them.

3. You must have the confidence that you are actually able to accomplish your dreams, vision and goals.

You know from Part One that the life you are living is an effect — and the preceding cause of the effect are the choices you have made. So, if you change your choices, you can absolutely change your life.

Unfortunately, changing your choices is really, really hard. For every part of you that wants to change there is also a part of you that is doesn’t want to. And that part of you will cling to they way things are.

If you can’t change your choices, then your life won’t change either and you won’t be able to fulfill your dreams. It may very well be that the reason you haven’t been able to achieve all of your dreams is because you couldn’t change — which means you couldn’t apply all three of the crucial aspects of Hope I describe above.

To be successful and achieve your dreams you need to apply all three Hope aspects.

Consider what happens if you apply only one:

1. You have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life.

Let’s say you are sick of being overweight and decide to lose 20 pounds. You have your dream and you hope it comes true (that is aspect #1). That’s a start! Except now it’s 7 PM, you just got home from work and you’re starving for dinner. You open the freezer for the Lean Cuisine but five minutes later find yourself in front of the TV eating Cherry Garcia right out of the tub. Having a dream clearly isn’t enough — and just having a dream is almost worse, because you and I both know how terrible you after you finish the ice cream. Now you’re not only overweight, but you feel like a failure too.

But don’t give up! Let’s see what happens if we add another Hope Aspect:

1. You have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life + 2. You have the know-how to accomplish your dreams, visions or goals and you resolve to accomplish them =

You want to lose 20 pounds ( This is aspect#1) AND you decide to figure out how to lose weight (this is aspect #2). You go to the weight loss section of the book store, you get a couple of books about healthy weight loss, you go to a Weight Watcher’s meeting or join an online diet program, you figure out an exercise program. You really start to understand how this can work and you make a great start applying what you’ve learned. Then comes somebody’s birthday at work and you’ve been feeling kind of down lately. You know the having the cake isn’t in line with what you’ve learned about losing weight, but you think to yourself that this is just too hard for you to sustain and you basically give up. You have the cake and then some more cake thinking that maybe you are just not cut out to be a thin person and that you knew you’d give up anyhow and who were you to think you could lose weight?  And that is just the beginning of the negative self-talk.

So having the hope and then figuring out how to accomplish it is not enough to defend against the part of you that overeats. Let’s see what happens when you add aspect #3 to aspect #1 and #2

1. You have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life + 2. You have the know-how to accomplish your dreams, vision or goals and you resolve to accomplish them + 3. You have the confidence that you are actually able to accomplish your dreams, vision and goals =

Let’s say everything is the same in the above scenario, except after you eat a piece of cake you don’t beat yourself up, but you remember that this journey of losing weight is going to have it’s difficult points and that sometimes you will give in, but that you know that you can do this. You know that if you put your mind to this, that you really can do it. You are determined and know that nothing will stop you. If you keep failing, you will continue to learn more about why – maybe you hire a counselor or coach to help you figure out what gets in your way, but you won’t give up because even though it is hard – you got this!

Imagine…if you approached all of the things you wanted with all three aspects of Hope – there is nothing you couldn’t accomplish! When you live with that kind of gusto and determination, what you Hope for is Guaranteed.

But there is even more to the story. I believe there is one more aspect of Hope that is crucial! And….you’ll learn about it in the next part (Part Three) in this series. And in Part Four, I will give you more proof that you really are just a few steps away from beginning the journey to achieving all of your dreams.

Resource: Brown, Brene (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are.

It’s true if you have all the trappings of a successful life and have “nothing to complain about,” yet you feel an emptiness inside.  It’s true if your life doesn’t completely suck, but it also doesn’t make your heart sing either.   And it’s true if things are going pretty well, but you have a few things that you would like to be different.  You deserve to live fully and experience what you want out of life it’s what you are meant to do – and you know that to your core.

We are not supposed to “go through the motions” of life.  We are supposed to fully live it with all of our hearts and you – whoever you are – no matter how lost, lonely and afraid you are – no matter what you’ve done or what’s been done to you – no matter how many times you’ve tried and failed – no matter who you’ve lost – no matter how much pain you carry – no matter what – you still get to Hope and What You Hope for – deep, deep down inside – is Guaranteed.  There are no exceptions.

Notice how your energy has changed since you’ve been reading this.  What you’re feeling is a spark of Hope and it is alive and well inside you.   (If you happen to be angry or annoyed at what you’re reading, then most likely you are still thinking you’re the exception and you’re too broken or too dark or too far gone.  That’s okay.  It’s not true, but it’s okay that you still think that.  But, I have good news for you: you are still reading and that means that Hope is still in there somewhere – it’s just hard to get to right now.  That’s okay – Hope will find it’s way back to you).

I am here to tell you that you don’t ever have to feel hopeless again because you absolutely – 100% – can create a life that is full of purpose and that brings you peace, joy and the good stuff you want.

So let’s get to the how I can make such an audacious claim.  This is not a “I found my Hope and got the Guarantee and so can you!” statement (although that is true).  And I don’t make that proclamation because my work as a counselor and life coach has allowed me to witness it happen over and over again in the lives of my clients (although that is also true).  I don’t think either of those is enough to make such a grand statement that the Hope that you have for your life is Guaranteed.  How do I know – and I mean know it can happen for you?

Because it is simply cause and effect.

For every cause, there’s an effect, right? So in your life what is the effect?  The effect is the life you’re living.  So that means the life you are living has a cause.  What’s the cause?  It’s your choices.   We are always, always, always living the effects of our choices.  Another way I like to say it is that we are always living the consequences (effect) of our choices (cause).

This is huge.  Read it one more time: You are always living the consequences of your choices.  So that means, if you make different choices, you can have a different effect.  That is the same thing as saying if you make choices in the direction of the life you want to live, then you will be living the life you want to live.

Voila.  Hope (Cause) is Guaranteed (Effect).

Okay, so there is more (which is why this article is only Part One in a series).  If there was ever a concept to fit the 12 Step dictum “simple, but not easy,” this is it.   And for those of you who are already beating yourself up by thinking that the bad things in your life are “your fault” – you can stop because it isn’t.  I’m talking about Hope here and Hope has nothing to do with “fault.”

In the coming weeks, I will continue to guide you through the process so that it makes more sense and so you can apply it to your life.  Feeling hopeful?  Me too!!

An Important Note:  There are exceptions to make about cause and effect and there are some consequences that no one asks for.  Children are living the effects of their parents choices and are not responsible for the effects in their lives and usually don’t have the resources to make changes.  (Interestingly, they seem to have a lot of Hope in spite of that, don’t they?)  I also understand that poverty and being a true victim of violence or violent and/or discriminatory people or systems are not choices.   Physical limitations and mental illness are not choices.  I am also not talking about accidents or natural disasters.  (However, I do know of people who have lived through some or almost all of these and have somehow found Hope.)  If you are living in a hopeless place right now – my heart truly, truly goes out to you and I will hold on to Hope on your behalf.