Start by knowing the qualities of trustworthy people. If they do all of these things, or most of these things, then it may be safe or appropriate for you to trust them. If there are people in your life who don’t do these things — well, they may not be worthy of your trust.

Qualities of Trustworthy People

• Trustworthy people usually show up on time.
• When trustworthy people say something will happen, it usually does.
• If trustworthy people tell you about an event, the information they give you is so thorough that when you find out more about the event or learn about it from another source, usually the descriptions match.
• Trustworthy people rarely lie and don’t expect you to lie for them.
• Trustworthy people usually don’t lie by omission to “protect’ you or because they want to avoid “upsetting” you.
• Trustworthy people are rarely hypocritical.
• Trustworthy people usually give real apologies.
• Trustworthy people’s behaviors match their actions.

Know how to practice healthy trust with all of the new people in your life or the ones you decide are trustworthy.  Trust is a shared ladder and people climb it together one rung at a time. If you’re healthy, it’s usually pretty safe to get a rung ahead or a rung behind the other person. But just one. It’s okay to take a risk and put yourselves out there for another person.  Not a big risk, but a small one where you can be a tiny bit vulnerable.

But…if you keep climbing the ladder and the other person hasn’t moved — if they still aren’t sharing with you the trust that you are sharing with them — that’s unhealthy trust.  To understand this in detail, read my article Healthy vs. Unhealthy Trust where I provide thorough examples.

Sometimes it’s hard, but to have successful trusting relationships you need to practice staying on the same rung of the ladder the other person is on. If you climb to the next rung and they don’t follow you — then you may have to let go of wanting the relationship to be on a different rung than it is.  If you continually go up a rung when it’s clear the other person isn’t interested – the space between the rungs is YOUR PAIN.

Something else to consider:  check the list again, this time thinking about yourself. Are you trustworthy? Start becoming a trustworthy person if you are not already one (yes, white lies count). “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” as Gandhi said.  You can’t really expect the people around you to be trustworthy if you’re not (because that would be hypocritical and that is not a quality of a trustworthy person).

Resources: Beck, Martha.  (2009).  Who’s Never Gonna Let You Down and Kotler, Stephen (1995).  Trust Me, Please.  SELF, Vol. 17, No. 11 158-159.

Heart 2 Heart With Elizabeth Kupferman

It’s not enough to say I’m sorry when we’ve done something to hurt someone else.  Saying “I’m sorry” is only the beginning.

The Real Apology comes from the Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch.  He was the author of the book “The Last Lecture.”  There are amazing YouTube videos of him giving his last lecture.  The reason it was his last lecture was because he had terminal pancreatic cancer and only had a short time to live.  If you haven’t seen the videos or read his book, I highly recommend them.

Here is the how you give a Real Apology:

1.  I’m sorry.

2.  It was my fault.

3.  How can I make it up to you?

This is why none of the “I’m sorrys” you’ve received felt good or were the least bit healing – because the necessary remorse, responsibility and amends were missing.  What is so great about the Real Apology, is that once you know about it, you will never have to endure a fake apology ever again.

I recommend you teach it to your closest family members when you are not in a fight.  It’s especially good for children – It’s the instant cure for  “I said I was sorrrry!!!” (Picture eye-rolling and a disgusted face -actually some adults say it that way too.)  The next time you get the mean or insincere “I’m sorry,”  usually followed by the anger because how dare you not “forgive” them.  You can now simply say that you appreciate their apology, but that it is not a “Real Apology” and teach them what the Real Apology is.  Then, it is up to them whether or not they are actually sorry depending on whether they give you the Real Apology or not and you will know if they are sorry or not.

In fact, in his book, Randy Pausch talks about how a “bad apology is worse than no apology” and that when we hurt each other – intentionally or unintentionally, it is like an infection in our relationship.  So, no apology would be like letting the infection continue and the Real Apology would be like the antibiotic.  The reason a bad apology is worse is because “it is like rubbing salt in the wound.”  Just to clarify, a bad apology is anything that does not have the 3 steps.

1.  I’m sorry.  It’s the set up – it is the introduction to the healing.

2.  It is my fault – The person is taking FULL responsibility – not indicating, for instance that if I had not yelled, then you would have not have hit me or saying that “I made you do it” or that you weren’t feeling well or that you had a hard day and that’s why you stormed out or didn’t call me on my birthday.

3.  What can I do to make it up to you? – the amends – this can be little – like “you can take the dog out next” or “rub my shoulders for 15 minutes.”  It could be something huge like “please don’t ever do it again” or “learn to trust me more” or “go to marriage counseling with me.”

Why would we ask others to go to these lengths or to put ourselves through it (it is not fun to be the one apologizing!!)?  Because it will make our lives better, we’ll align our words with our actions, we’ll have no infection in our relationships, we won’t have a build up of resentments and we will be operating from a clean slate.  It brings us closer to the ones we love and gets us back to the business of loving each other fully.  It releases both parties.  The giver is freed because he/she is off the hook for the bad thing they did and the receiver is free to forgive fully because they set the criteria for forgiveness.  It’s perfection.  I’ve been on both sides of a Real Apology and I have been awed by what a profound difference it makes.

Reference:  Pausch, Randy.  2008.  The Last Lecture

For more on the Real Apology, you can listen to the podcast of Michelle Wargo and I discuss it on Heartbeat Radio for Women.

Kathie writes:

Hi! I have a girlfriend who has just gone through a bad break-up. I completely understand that right now the attention of our friendship needs to be focused mainly on her right now, however every time we’ve talked recently, one of three things happen: Either she is talking to someone else while on the phone with me for the majority of the conversation, she hangs up immediately after picking up and claims she’ll call back (which is never the case), or the conversation is completely revolving around her, not necessarily about her break-up, until she rushes off the phone.

I’m trying to be patient and just accept it, but she does this after each break-up and I’m tired of the cycle and feeling unappreciated. What should I do?

Elizabeth discusses how important it is to make sure that both people in a relationship understand what the other wants and needs, as well as how important it is to make sure that both people in a relationship “get a turn” to be the focus of the relationship. It’s not about keeping a scorecard — it’s about making sure that you can both be there for each other when you need support, but that you’re both getting support when you need it.

Elizabeth and Mary also talk about how sometimes people “speak” with their behavior (as opposed to their words) and how to teach people to treat you the way you want (and deserve!) to be treated.

Mary shares a story about a recent fishing trip where she had to decide whether or not she wanted to be right, or whether she wanted to be happy. Elizabeth describes how sometimes it’s hard because we don’t want to have to “let go” of the feelings that went with a situation where we feel like we’ve been wronged, but by deciding whether or not we want to be right, or whether we want to be happy, we can make a big difference and improve our lives.

Elizabeth also talks about the importance of telling people how you feel — sometimes when it even seems obvious — as a tool for cementing your relationship. And sometimes what seems obvious isn’t always.

During the show we also discussed the following e-mail from a listener:

“I was raised to keep the peace, Don’t say anything that isn’t nice, and help before being asked. My questions on codependency are: Does someone’s gender or personality predispose them to a codependent behavior? Is it just a lack of communication skills that puts someone in this harmful one-sided relationship? Can you please give an example of “assertiveness skills” needed to stop and recognize the abusive behavior/repressed emotions while keeping the peace and not enabling a family member’s bulling/codependency to continue. A win-win situation. Thank you!”