I once heard the spiritual teacher, Marianne Williamson say (I am paraphrasing) that if you have 17 tears to cry and you only cry 10 of them, you have 7 tears that you are holding onto and they will become toxic.  The chemical make-up of tears verifies this.  Emotional tears actually have a different chemical structure than reflexive tears (tears produced by eye irritation) and that emotional “tears appear to play a significant role in detoxification of the body and enhancement of mental well-being” (Fooladi, 2005,  p.250).  In addition, emotional crying can produce endorphins to actually relieve the pain we’re suffering.

I know people who come to me years after a death to work on their grief and I think about all the un-cried tears that have contributed to their carried pain.  We think that something is wrong with us when we cry – we want to stop it  – cut it off – get over it – move on with life – etc.  When we do that, we are asking ourselves to not be human.  Crying as a response to sadness is actually a gift that we have because it is almost exclusively a human trait.

Another reason we hold the tears back is that we think that if we start we won’t stop.  I know it’s hard to believe, but your tears have a beginning and they do have an end.  Crying helps us express the pain and what we don’t express, we will repress.  That repression may delay healing and interfere with adaptation of the loss, meaning making and continuing the bond with our loved ones who have died.  Crying also signals empathetic responses in others which can enable us to receive connection and comfort.  It is a way of asking for love and support without words.

Granted, whether alone or in the presence of a safe and trusted person, it is no picnic.  It hurts.  It’s messy.  It reveals our vulnerability.  For many of us, being that raw and vulnerable can be very difficult and can feel out of control, intimidating, uncomfortable and/or foreign.  Paradoxically, I see crying as a signal of strength.  I don’t like it either, but I get through it with the knowledge that on the other side is healing and growth.  For me, it is a small price to pay for love.

(*A note: There are some cultures who do not view emotional crying as an appropriate response to emotional pain and have not been socialized to react to emotional pain with tears.  Many people in our culture also may feel that crying is not appropriate for them either.  This article is written to give those who need or want to cry as a result of emotional pain (or who are crying, but wish not to be) the permission and encouragement to do so.  It is in no way suggesting that all people need to react to emotional pain with tears if that is not their authentic response.  If you know someone who isn’t crying, but you think they should be crying, that is YOUR issue and not theirs.  They are just having a different response to grief than yours.)

Fooladi, Marjaneh.  (2005).  The Healing Effects of Crying.  Holistic Nursing Practice, 19(6), 248-255.

Actually that’s not true.  You can become less of who you are instead.  You can continue to diminish yourself.  You can continue in your mess, your misery, your drama, your addiction, and/or your unhealthy and damaging relationships. And the most dreadful part is – it will only get worse.  Like a terminal illness, it will progress and become more miserable and toxic if not treated.  You could just stay how you are and leave it to your children to do the work.  And, by the way, if you are not living fully, you are teaching your children not to live fully.  Remember, they do what you do, not what you say.  They will grow to live their own version of your and/or the other parent’s toxicity.  If you don’t break the cycle of dysfunction, it will be your ultimate legacy to your kids.  (That’s why you have to do the work because your parents did not do theirs).  This is not to make you feel guilty, it’s meant to give you that extra push to commit to do the work and to understand the choice that you are making by not doing the work.

Or you can get to work and become conscious.  Live the life you were meant to live.  Live your calling.  Live with actual love (you know the kind I mean – patient, kind, adoring, playful, fun, trusting etc.)  Live with integrity.  Experience joie de vivre – maybe for the very first time since you were an infant.  As they say, you can get bitter or you can get better.   It’s your choice.

You really can do this.  It is not some pie in the sky ideal.  If you do your personal growth work, you will become stronger, more aware, feel freer, feel whole and experience healthy relationships and true happiness.

Personal growth work can happen with or without counseling.  The benefit of counseling, however, is that you get to have the healing even faster and you you won’t have to do your work alone.  Plus, the counseling relationship in and of itself is a healing force in which you will experience what its like to be treated with kindness and respect without judgment with a genuine, authentic person.  And believe it or not, it can be fun.  And besides, how much luck are you having going it alone?  (Are you counting the unrealized promises of your self-help book collection?)

I know what I’m talking about because I have walked the road and work with amazing women who are walking the road.  Join us.

We tend to think of forgiveness as a spiritual concept, but it is absolutely a psychological one as well.  Consider the following definition:  Forgiveness is “not condoning, excusing or forgetting what happened,” rather it is the decrease or elimination of “resentment or anger toward an offender,”  which is replaced  by “more positive feelings, thoughts, and behaviors” (Knutson, Enright and Garbers, 2008).  Isn’t that the point of psychotherapy and counseling, to be happier?

I’m not suggesting that this is easy work.  I actually believe this is an advanced adult skill.  It takes commitment, willingness, action, intention and energy.  It’s also important to note that if you have been abused or traumatized in any way and you are having an adverse reaction to the idea of forgiving, that means that it’s time for you to work on your healing first and foremost!

To be clear, the forgiveness I’m speaking of does NOT mean that:

• You allow someone who is abusive to continue that behavior.
• You have to continue to be in relationship with the offender.
• You think that what happened was okay with you (abuse is NEVER okay).
• You must tell the person that you have forgiven them.
• You forgive because that’s the “right thing to do.”
• You only forgive others, but not yourself.
• You have to forgive without help.
• You have to forgive before you’re ready.

The practice of forgiveness is actually an act of self-interest and not about another person.  It frees you because harboring resentments is like that saying about taking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.  Resentments steal your joy.  We can have joy or we can have resentments.  We can’t have both.  That is why practicing forgiveness of ourselves and others is crucial and how forgiveness relates to counseling.

Reference:  Journal of Counseling and Development, 2008:  Validating the Developmental Pathway of Forgiveness by Jeanette Knutson, Robert Enright, and Benjamin Garbers.