I will agree that we need time to grieve and mourn, but it is not time that does the job of healing.   If we do not do the necessary grief work (accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain, making the necessary adjustments and creating meaning from the loss), we will end up with what Alan Wolfelt calls “carried grief.”   Carried grief is when you do not mourn your loss and take the pain with you into everyday of your life.  I think of it like deciding to keep a splinter in your arm because you are afraid of the pain of digging it out, but imagine your life with this throbbing, dull ache forever.  That is why we have to mourn and grieve and that is why time alone simply cannot make that happen.

Think about it, grieving is a consequence of loving.And if you carry your grief with you for the rest of your life, that splinter you’ve decided to keep turns into a wall. Yes, this wall may prevent you from feeling pain right now, but guess what? It’s also preventing you from experiencing love.

I know it’s hard.  I really do, but you can do it.  Since grieving is a normal, natural process, you are completely capable of grieving on your own.  But, if you are having trouble with accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain on your own (including feeling guilty and/or ashamed), making the physical, emotional and spiritual adjustments or finding meaning from your loss, I definitely recommend spending time with an skilled and compassionate grief counselor who gets it.

References:

Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy:  A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner 4th Edition.
Author:  J. William Worden

Living in the Shadow of The Ghosts of Grief
Author:  Alan D. Wolfelt

The death of your child will hurt more than you could have imagined and your life will change on emotional, physical and spiritual levels.

You can get though it to the other side and still be able to live a meaningful life…but it will take time, patience and effort to heal your devastating loss.  I know it may not feel like that right now.

You are living out one of most people’s greatest fear.  This is why some of your closest friends or family might be acting standoffish or even disappear.  They don’t mean to be mean or neglectful, but it doesn’t hurt any less.  Many times they want to be there for you but simply don’t know how.  However, if you let them, there are people in your life who can be there for you, champion you, stand by you and will not be afraid to talk about this or go through this fully with you.

Making connections with those who have suffered the same loss you have and have come out on the other side can be especially helpful. This will help you know that you can survive this yourself. It will also give you the gift of freely sharing your experience with someone who you know will understand.

You will be stretched as a couple and grief will test your relationship in new ways.  One reason is that you will most likely grieve in different ways and the grief experience will be different for each of you.    Practice accepting each others styles of grieving and coping.  Avoid thinking the other person isn’t suffering because he/she doesn’t appear to be grieving.   

One surprising feeling that parents of children who died feel is guilt for episodes of “not crying.”  Just because you enjoyed a conversation, a day, a moment, a comedian, your other children, your work, a friend, nature does not mean you are not grieving.  You can enjoy something or someone and still be grieving.  Allowing yourself to experience life alongside your grief is exactly what you need to balance the pain of grief.

It’s okay to have sex.  This relates to the point I just made about enjoying things. You need intimacy right now and making love is one way to fill that need.  And it’s okay not to have sex.  You may not feel like it right now and that is completely understandable.  One of you may want to have sex and one may not and that can change from day to day.  Even if you aren’t having sex, make sure to expression you affection through holding hands, hugs, putting your arm around the other or just sitting together.

Taking care of yourself and each other is a requirement during this time.  Consider it as important as brushing your teeth each day.  There is a lot of talk about self-care, but I encourage you to actually do at least one thing each day that promotes well-being (such as exercising and eating delicious, healthy food), helps you relax (such as practicing meditation, taking a nap, breathing deeply, and getting a massage) and even though you may resist this, do something that brings you pleasure (such a being around safe people who accept you unconditionally, going out to dinner, shopping, watching your favorite television show, dancing, or going to a game).   Encourage each others to do self care.  Remember, doing these things does not mean you are not grieving and it will help provide the stamina for the difficult times.      

Reference: Worden, W. J. (2005).  Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy