It’s not enough to say I’m sorry when we’ve done something to hurt someone else.  Saying “I’m sorry” is only the beginning.

The Real Apology comes from the Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch.  He was the author of the book “The Last Lecture.”  There are amazing YouTube videos of him giving his last lecture.  The reason it was his last lecture was because he had terminal pancreatic cancer and only had a short time to live.  If you haven’t seen the videos or read his book, I highly recommend them.

Here is the how you give a Real Apology:

1.  I’m sorry.

2.  It was my fault.

3.  How can I make it up to you?

This is why none of the “I’m sorrys” you’ve received felt good or were the least bit healing – because the necessary remorse, responsibility and amends were missing.  What is so great about the Real Apology, is that once you know about it, you will never have to endure a fake apology ever again.

I recommend you teach it to your closest family members when you are not in a fight.  It’s especially good for children – It’s the instant cure for  “I said I was sorrrry!!!” (Picture eye-rolling and a disgusted face -actually some adults say it that way too.)  The next time you get the mean or insincere “I’m sorry,”  usually followed by the anger because how dare you not “forgive” them.  You can now simply say that you appreciate their apology, but that it is not a “Real Apology” and teach them what the Real Apology is.  Then, it is up to them whether or not they are actually sorry depending on whether they give you the Real Apology or not and you will know if they are sorry or not.

In fact, in his book, Randy Pausch talks about how a “bad apology is worse than no apology” and that when we hurt each other – intentionally or unintentionally, it is like an infection in our relationship.  So, no apology would be like letting the infection continue and the Real Apology would be like the antibiotic.  The reason a bad apology is worse is because “it is like rubbing salt in the wound.”  Just to clarify, a bad apology is anything that does not have the 3 steps.

1.  I’m sorry.  It’s the set up – it is the introduction to the healing.

2.  It is my fault – The person is taking FULL responsibility – not indicating, for instance that if I had not yelled, then you would have not have hit me or saying that “I made you do it” or that you weren’t feeling well or that you had a hard day and that’s why you stormed out or didn’t call me on my birthday.

3.  What can I do to make it up to you? – the amends – this can be little – like “you can take the dog out next” or “rub my shoulders for 15 minutes.”  It could be something huge like “please don’t ever do it again” or “learn to trust me more” or “go to marriage counseling with me.”

Why would we ask others to go to these lengths or to put ourselves through it (it is not fun to be the one apologizing!!)?  Because it will make our lives better, we’ll align our words with our actions, we’ll have no infection in our relationships, we won’t have a build up of resentments and we will be operating from a clean slate.  It brings us closer to the ones we love and gets us back to the business of loving each other fully.  It releases both parties.  The giver is freed because he/she is off the hook for the bad thing they did and the receiver is free to forgive fully because they set the criteria for forgiveness.  It’s perfection.  I’ve been on both sides of a Real Apology and I have been awed by what a profound difference it makes.

Reference:  Pausch, Randy.  2008.  The Last Lecture

For more on the Real Apology, you can listen to the podcast of Michelle Wargo and I discuss it on Heartbeat Radio for Women.

Actually that’s not true.  You can become less of who you are instead.  You can continue to diminish yourself.  You can continue in your mess, your misery, your drama, your addiction, and/or your unhealthy and damaging relationships. And the most dreadful part is – it will only get worse.  Like a terminal illness, it will progress and become more miserable and toxic if not treated.  You could just stay how you are and leave it to your children to do the work.  And, by the way, if you are not living fully, you are teaching your children not to live fully.  Remember, they do what you do, not what you say.  They will grow to live their own version of your and/or the other parent’s toxicity.  If you don’t break the cycle of dysfunction, it will be your ultimate legacy to your kids.  (That’s why you have to do the work because your parents did not do theirs).  This is not to make you feel guilty, it’s meant to give you that extra push to commit to do the work and to understand the choice that you are making by not doing the work.

Or you can get to work and become conscious.  Live the life you were meant to live.  Live your calling.  Live with actual love (you know the kind I mean – patient, kind, adoring, playful, fun, trusting etc.)  Live with integrity.  Experience joie de vivre – maybe for the very first time since you were an infant.  As they say, you can get bitter or you can get better.   It’s your choice.

You really can do this.  It is not some pie in the sky ideal.  If you do your personal growth work, you will become stronger, more aware, feel freer, feel whole and experience healthy relationships and true happiness.

Personal growth work can happen with or without counseling.  The benefit of counseling, however, is that you get to have the healing even faster and you you won’t have to do your work alone.  Plus, the counseling relationship in and of itself is a healing force in which you will experience what its like to be treated with kindness and respect without judgment with a genuine, authentic person.  And believe it or not, it can be fun.  And besides, how much luck are you having going it alone?  (Are you counting the unrealized promises of your self-help book collection?)

I know what I’m talking about because I have walked the road and work with amazing women who are walking the road.  Join us.

We tend to think of forgiveness as a spiritual concept, but it is absolutely a psychological one as well.  Consider the following definition:  Forgiveness is “not condoning, excusing or forgetting what happened,” rather it is the decrease or elimination of “resentment or anger toward an offender,”  which is replaced  by “more positive feelings, thoughts, and behaviors” (Knutson, Enright and Garbers, 2008).  Isn’t that the point of psychotherapy and counseling, to be happier?

I’m not suggesting that this is easy work.  I actually believe this is an advanced adult skill.  It takes commitment, willingness, action, intention and energy.  It’s also important to note that if you have been abused or traumatized in any way and you are having an adverse reaction to the idea of forgiving, that means that it’s time for you to work on your healing first and foremost!

To be clear, the forgiveness I’m speaking of does NOT mean that:

• You allow someone who is abusive to continue that behavior.
• You have to continue to be in relationship with the offender.
• You think that what happened was okay with you (abuse is NEVER okay).
• You must tell the person that you have forgiven them.
• You forgive because that’s the “right thing to do.”
• You only forgive others, but not yourself.
• You have to forgive without help.
• You have to forgive before you’re ready.

The practice of forgiveness is actually an act of self-interest and not about another person.  It frees you because harboring resentments is like that saying about taking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.  Resentments steal your joy.  We can have joy or we can have resentments.  We can’t have both.  That is why practicing forgiveness of ourselves and others is crucial and how forgiveness relates to counseling.

Reference:  Journal of Counseling and Development, 2008:  Validating the Developmental Pathway of Forgiveness by Jeanette Knutson, Robert Enright, and Benjamin Garbers.