Somehow we expect that when we give something up or start a new behavior, it should be easy and we should get immediate results.  But — think about it — if it were that easy, wouldn’t it be happening already?  The truth is that it’s hard.  Like really, really hard.  The good news is that the difficulty is TEMPORARY.

So…what’s required?

1.  Stamina:  Success is going to take a lot of stamina.  Do not underestimate the amount of energy that is going to be required.  It’s easy to lose weight at the fancy spa that serves low calorie delicious organic meals while you take in the beautiful scenery surrounding you.  It’s not so easy at the end of a stressful day when you’re tired and hungry and without even intending it somehow find yourself sitting in the McDonald’s drive-thru. Trying to live a new way requires extra energy….and when you’re depleted, it’s fairly automatic to revert to the old ways because falling into old habits really doesn’t require much effort.

2.  Preparation, patience, practice and persistence:  Capturing your hopes and dreams is a marathon – not a sprint.  Changing a behavior is the equivalent of participating in a distance race.  What if I asked you to get up right now and run a marathon.  Go.  Yes — right now! With only the clothes you are wearing right now and only the shoes on your feet. Ready…set….26.2 miles…GO!

But before you start running…even if you are ready and willing to take my challenge, even if you’re in great shape — even if you’re wearing a track suit –you probably aren’t going to make it. How will you know when you’ve gone the whole way? I haven’t shown you the map. How will you fuel yourself? I didn’t give you any energy bars. And what about water? Clearly, taking me up on my challenge isn’t a wise idea. But notice, you don’t feel bad about yourself nor has your self-esteem suffered because you can’t run my imaginary marathon right now…because you know that it is a silly request.  You’re fine because…well, you know that asking you to run a marathon without preparation is ridiculous, dangerous and probably impossible. You don’t have expectations on yourself that you would succeed.

Yet, when you make the decision to lose weight…or to stop buying things you can’t afford…or stop the affair…or stop drinking…or start writing your book…or start exercising…or start your business… or go back to school – or whatever you hope for……you beat yourself up because you’re not doing it or changing immediately.  Expecting perfection and immediate results is like ordering yourself to run a marathon right now.  You are not operating under the right mindset because achieving dreams is a marathon.  And if you are mad at yourself, you aren’t being realistic or compassionate with yourself.  You might as well be asking ourselves to run a marathon completely untrained, unprepared and unsupported.  You can’t do it, not because you’re failure or loser.  You can’t do it because that is not the way you are wired.  You aren’t built to go from 0 to 26.2.  But you ARE built to go from 0 to 1 and from 1 to 2 or 3 and so on until 26.2 or higher.

3.  Action and Inertia:  I ran a marathon once. It was a harrowing experience. At the starting gate I was high on life thinking — “I’ve got this! I can do this!” and felt really proud of myself for taking on such a challenge. I felt at one with everyone at the race and all of the planets and stars were aligned for me.  When the race started, I worked my plan — one step at a time, taking one step after another. I was so proud of myself…Yipee! Unfortunately, my elation was short-lived. Six miles into the race I was still happy, but it started to feel like work. But I persevered…and kept taking one step after the other.  At miles nine to eleven I’m still feeling pretty happy…but I’ll be honest — I wasn’t loving everyone around me as much as I did when I started and I was wondering if maybe a star or two had slipped out of alignment. But I kept on! One step…after the other.

By mile 17 I was so grumpy and not loving anybody very much including myself for taking on this really stupid endeavor. But stopping at this point wasn’t really an option. I had to keep going. One…step…after…the other.

Mile 20 saw tears and maybe even a little cursing. I was really hating every…miserable…moment. No point in stopping now though…all I could do was continue to take one step after the other.

Somewhere during mile 25 — the last mile — something magical happened. I heard the crowd cheering me on. A few minutes later I was though the finish line and there was a medal hanging around my neck! What a wonderful world! I love everything again! That dream of mine was accomplished – regardless of the thoughts in my head and my shifting mood - with one simple step…after the other.

4.  Self-Compassion:  You’re asking a lot of yourself.  You are one of the few who are willing to walk the road less traveled.  But I have a question: are you a compassionate person?  I’m guessing you would say absolutely.  Of course you are. You’re kind-hearted and loving…..to others.  What is the answer if I ask you if you are compassionate with yourself?  Not so much…huh?  I thought so.  I used to suffer from this one.  Others deserved my compassion, but I should know better or do better or be better and I never cut myself a break.  But then I learned a simple truth: “you can’t give away what you do not have.”  If you simply can’t find it in yourself to be compassionate with yourself – get help from a supportive professional counselor or life coach, because you can’t get to your hopes and dreams without having self-compassion.

5.  Faith:  I’ve heard the spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson say that “there is no such thing as a faithless person.”  To me, that means you can have faith that things will go well…or you can have faith that they won’t go well.  Faith can be in yourself, faith in these hope articles, faith in God or faith that you can do it differently – that you can choose differently.  Think about what you have faith in and re-up or perhaps move your faith to optimism, goodness and triumph.  That day of the marathon I had faith that I could cross the finish line.  I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I had faith in my training, my legs, my mind and my spirit.

I’m so excited for you as you work toward your hopes and dreams and how wonderful that they are guaranteed!!

PS

If you want more tips on how to sustain a change, read Willpower:  Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney.  It’s got all the current research on willpower and it’s well written and interesting.

However, there are some things that you may have tried in vain to change that frustrate you to no-end! You went for your goal – full out – but still, what you hoped for eluded you. You got frustrated, disgusted and mad at yourself. You felt as though you were back to square one (or worse) and you couldn’t figure out what went wrong.

That’s because with some things you have to go deeper than simply thinking and behaving differently. So, the crucial ingredient that may have prevented your success might have been:

If you don’t believe you are truly worthy of your hopes and dreams, you won’t achieve them. Ever.

How could you? Most people, if they don’t think they deserve something, push it away — sometimes without even realizing it. They just push their dream to the side, or give up, or self-sabotage, or head to their favorite drug of choice – whatever is needed to get numb because they just can’t handle that much love or goodness or feelings of accomplishment.

Most people have it backwards – they believe if they get thin enough, rich enough, have the right job, right relationship or the right degree, then they will be worthy. It’s actually the opposite – when you feel worthy, then those things that you hope for have an easier time coming to you. It still requires hard work, but you won’t push it away because you will believe that you are worthy.

So, if you don’t feel you are truly worthy and deserving of good things in your life, just because you’re you, then it’s time to heal that thought. Yes, healing is required. If you don’t believe that you are worthy – that is a wound that needs to be healed.

Think about it – babies aren’t born thinking they don’t deserve to be cared for – they’re not thinking, “I hope I am not inconveniencing these lovely people – I don’t want to bother them – I don’t deserve to get my needs met – they look busy and I don’t really matter.” No! They are wailing their little sweet heads off to get swaddled, cuddled, loved, fed etc. When you were a baby you knew you were magnificent and absolutely worthy.

Somewhere along the way, you learned that you were not worthy and you don’t deserve good things. For some, this horrible lesson was reinforced everyday of childhood. I’m telling you – you LEARNED that and it WOUNDED you. And now it’s time to roll your sleeves up and heal because your Hopes are waiting for you and they are Guaranteed – but only if you truly know that you deserve them.

Healing the part of you that doesn’t accept that you are worthy is not just “a next step.” It’s your life’s work. You must figure out how to accept the fact that you deserve everything you wish for because if you are wishing it,then that means deep down a part of you DOES believe that you deserve it. It’s time to work with that other, wounded part of you the doesn’t believe it – the part that is wounded, hurt and lost.

The most efficient way to do this work is with a skilled professional counselor. Of course, you will be doing the work, but the counselor will guide you and give you tips and tools along the way. The counselor you work with needs to be really good and who walks the walk. Be selective and trust your intuition. A good counselor is one that you feel safe with and click with. The person should really “get you” and most importantly, your life is getting better as a result of your relationship. Remember that you are a consumer of counseling services and you get to have the results that you’re after, otherwise, what’s the point?

If you are dealing with an addiction, the 12 Steps are amazing and there is a chair waiting for you at AA, OA, GA, NA, etc. And it’s free!!! I personally think everyone should work the steps (they are spiritual principles you will find in most religious traditions, but written in easy to follow steps – they will change your life). If you are in a close relationship with someone with an addiction, then that gives you a chair at an Al-Anon meetings and you can work the 12 Steps there. One of the great sayings is try the 12 Steps for 6 to 12 months and if your life isn’t much, much better, then quit and your misery will be refunded. Love it.

You could also head to your bookstore and find a title that speaks to you in the psychology, spirituality or personal growth work sections. Reading will not help – only pick up books that require action on your part and work the heck of the book. If you need a head start, the I recommend The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. Again, don’t read it – work it or you are just wasting your time. If your life isn’t changing as a result of working from books on your own, then that means that you need more assistance. You need to take greater action. Get to an appropriate 12 Step meeting (again – free!) or do what ever it takes to find a good counselor.

If you are still reading this article, then you are being called to heal. You must do this work to heal yourself. It’s time and you’re ready. I’m excited for you because what you Hope for is Guaranteed!! Take the next step toward your personal growth and healing so that you can live the life you are meant to live. What you Hope for is Guaranteed, but only if you already know that it’s true, because you are magnificent and deserve it.

This is the kind of Hope you need to have if you want your Guarantee:

1. You must a have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life.

2. You must have the know-how to accomplish your dreams, vision or goals and the resolve to accomplish them.

3. You must have the confidence that you are actually able to accomplish your dreams, vision and goals.

You know from Part One that the life you are living is an effect — and the preceding cause of the effect are the choices you have made. So, if you change your choices, you can absolutely change your life.

Unfortunately, changing your choices is really, really hard. For every part of you that wants to change there is also a part of you that is doesn’t want to. And that part of you will cling to they way things are.

If you can’t change your choices, then your life won’t change either and you won’t be able to fulfill your dreams. It may very well be that the reason you haven’t been able to achieve all of your dreams is because you couldn’t change — which means you couldn’t apply all three of the crucial aspects of Hope I describe above.

To be successful and achieve your dreams you need to apply all three Hope aspects.

Consider what happens if you apply only one:

1. You have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life.

Let’s say you are sick of being overweight and decide to lose 20 pounds. You have your dream and you hope it comes true (that is aspect #1). That’s a start! Except now it’s 7 PM, you just got home from work and you’re starving for dinner. You open the freezer for the Lean Cuisine but five minutes later find yourself in front of the TV eating Cherry Garcia right out of the tub. Having a dream clearly isn’t enough — and just having a dream is almost worse, because you and I both know how terrible you after you finish the ice cream. Now you’re not only overweight, but you feel like a failure too.

But don’t give up! Let’s see what happens if we add another Hope Aspect:

1. You have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life + 2. You have the know-how to accomplish your dreams, visions or goals and you resolve to accomplish them =

You want to lose 20 pounds ( This is aspect#1) AND you decide to figure out how to lose weight (this is aspect #2). You go to the weight loss section of the book store, you get a couple of books about healthy weight loss, you go to a Weight Watcher’s meeting or join an online diet program, you figure out an exercise program. You really start to understand how this can work and you make a great start applying what you’ve learned. Then comes somebody’s birthday at work and you’ve been feeling kind of down lately. You know the having the cake isn’t in line with what you’ve learned about losing weight, but you think to yourself that this is just too hard for you to sustain and you basically give up. You have the cake and then some more cake thinking that maybe you are just not cut out to be a thin person and that you knew you’d give up anyhow and who were you to think you could lose weight?  And that is just the beginning of the negative self-talk.

So having the hope and then figuring out how to accomplish it is not enough to defend against the part of you that overeats. Let’s see what happens when you add aspect #3 to aspect #1 and #2

1. You have a dream, vision or goal you want for your life + 2. You have the know-how to accomplish your dreams, vision or goals and you resolve to accomplish them + 3. You have the confidence that you are actually able to accomplish your dreams, vision and goals =

Let’s say everything is the same in the above scenario, except after you eat a piece of cake you don’t beat yourself up, but you remember that this journey of losing weight is going to have it’s difficult points and that sometimes you will give in, but that you know that you can do this. You know that if you put your mind to this, that you really can do it. You are determined and know that nothing will stop you. If you keep failing, you will continue to learn more about why – maybe you hire a counselor or coach to help you figure out what gets in your way, but you won’t give up because even though it is hard – you got this!

Imagine…if you approached all of the things you wanted with all three aspects of Hope – there is nothing you couldn’t accomplish! When you live with that kind of gusto and determination, what you Hope for is Guaranteed.

But there is even more to the story. I believe there is one more aspect of Hope that is crucial! And….you’ll learn about it in the next part (Part Three) in this series. And in Part Four, I will give you more proof that you really are just a few steps away from beginning the journey to achieving all of your dreams.

Resource: Brown, Brene (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are.

It’s true if you have all the trappings of a successful life and have “nothing to complain about,” yet you feel an emptiness inside.  It’s true if your life doesn’t completely suck, but it also doesn’t make your heart sing either.   And it’s true if things are going pretty well, but you have a few things that you would like to be different.  You deserve to live fully and experience what you want out of life it’s what you are meant to do – and you know that to your core.

We are not supposed to “go through the motions” of life.  We are supposed to fully live it with all of our hearts and you – whoever you are – no matter how lost, lonely and afraid you are – no matter what you’ve done or what’s been done to you – no matter how many times you’ve tried and failed – no matter who you’ve lost – no matter how much pain you carry – no matter what – you still get to Hope and What You Hope for – deep, deep down inside – is Guaranteed.  There are no exceptions.

Notice how your energy has changed since you’ve been reading this.  What you’re feeling is a spark of Hope and it is alive and well inside you.   (If you happen to be angry or annoyed at what you’re reading, then most likely you are still thinking you’re the exception and you’re too broken or too dark or too far gone.  That’s okay.  It’s not true, but it’s okay that you still think that.  But, I have good news for you: you are still reading and that means that Hope is still in there somewhere – it’s just hard to get to right now.  That’s okay – Hope will find it’s way back to you).

I am here to tell you that you don’t ever have to feel hopeless again because you absolutely – 100% – can create a life that is full of purpose and that brings you peace, joy and the good stuff you want.

So let’s get to the how I can make such an audacious claim.  This is not a “I found my Hope and got the Guarantee and so can you!” statement (although that is true).  And I don’t make that proclamation because my work as a counselor and life coach has allowed me to witness it happen over and over again in the lives of my clients (although that is also true).  I don’t think either of those is enough to make such a grand statement that the Hope that you have for your life is Guaranteed.  How do I know – and I mean know it can happen for you?

Because it is simply cause and effect.

For every cause, there’s an effect, right? So in your life what is the effect?  The effect is the life you’re living.  So that means the life you are living has a cause.  What’s the cause?  It’s your choices.   We are always, always, always living the effects of our choices.  Another way I like to say it is that we are always living the consequences (effect) of our choices (cause).

This is huge.  Read it one more time: You are always living the consequences of your choices.  So that means, if you make different choices, you can have a different effect.  That is the same thing as saying if you make choices in the direction of the life you want to live, then you will be living the life you want to live.

Voila.  Hope (Cause) is Guaranteed (Effect).

Okay, so there is more (which is why this article is only Part One in a series).  If there was ever a concept to fit the 12 Step dictum “simple, but not easy,” this is it.   And for those of you who are already beating yourself up by thinking that the bad things in your life are “your fault” – you can stop because it isn’t.  I’m talking about Hope here and Hope has nothing to do with “fault.”

In the coming weeks, I will continue to guide you through the process so that it makes more sense and so you can apply it to your life.  Feeling hopeful?  Me too!!

An Important Note:  There are exceptions to make about cause and effect and there are some consequences that no one asks for.  Children are living the effects of their parents choices and are not responsible for the effects in their lives and usually don’t have the resources to make changes.  (Interestingly, they seem to have a lot of Hope in spite of that, don’t they?)  I also understand that poverty and being a true victim of violence or violent and/or discriminatory people or systems are not choices.   Physical limitations and mental illness are not choices.  I am also not talking about accidents or natural disasters.  (However, I do know of people who have lived through some or almost all of these and have somehow found Hope.)  If you are living in a hopeless place right now – my heart truly, truly goes out to you and I will hold on to Hope on your behalf.

Magical Psychological Power #1: AND Helps You Get Unstuck

You are a complex human being with a complex psyche and you get to have more than one feeling at a time.  For instance, you can feel love AND frustration at the same time.  Like most people, you probably tend to use the word “but” instead.  Take the sentence “I am so frustrated, but I love him.”   Let’s say he makes a habit of embarrassing you in public and you’ve set a boundary around the behavior, but he continues the behavior.  You continue to get embarrassed, which leads to your frustration.  You have nowhere to go if you keep using the sentence “I am so frustrated, but I love him.”

The use of the word “but” psychologically negates the first half of the sentence.  What is implied is that yes, you are frustrated, but you are powerless to do anything because you love him.  Basically. you are telling yourself to get over your issue and that isn’t going to go well.   You won’t be solving your problem and the issue isn’t handled, which will lead to a build up of resentment in the relationship.

Now let’s insert AND instead. ” I am frustrated AND I love him.”  Yes!  Both parts are the sentence are true and exist simultaneously.  He’s doing something irritating and embarrassing AND you love this guy.  Notice how much more freeing this is.  Now you can continue to work on the boundary about the embarrassing you in public thing and love him too.  Hooray!  It doesn’t mean that it won’t be challenging (AND is good, but not that good), and now you can begin to solve your problem and move forward together instead of shutting yourself down.

Magical Psychological Power #2: AND is an Antidote to Complaining

I had a previous relationship with someone cruel, verbally abusive, manipulative  and conniving.  I used to complain about it with others while I was in it.  I would find others to say “Oh my God!” or “How horrible that he did that to you!!” Some of this was fine and I got support in a difficult time.  However, some of the complaining just prolonged the misery.  Now let’s add the magic word:  I had a previous relationship with someone cruel, verbally abusive, manipulative and conniving AND I kept staying in that relationship.  The reason AND works is not to make myself feel bad, but to actually look at MY part in the relationship – I continued to take the cruelty and verbal abuse.  He couldn’t continue the negative behaviors without my permission.  If I am just complaining, I am not moving in the direction of a solution, but continuing to stay in the problem.

AND gives you that same gift because it gives you a place to start.  You might be used to complaining about others for their bad behavior and that habit creates a lack of insight.  It reminds me of that saying about when you point a finger at someone else that there are three fingers pointing back at you.  I’m not saying that the other person is totally off the hook or what is happening is okay.  What I am saying is that it is your responsibility to look at how you might be contributing to the problem and how you allow bad behaviors to continue.

Magical Psychological Power #3: AND Helps You Know and Accept Yourself Fully

It does this by allowing you to own all aspects of yourself, even when they conflict with each other.  Remember, your psyche is vast and complex.  Taking ownership and accepting all of your feelings – possibly even celebrating them – can lead you to so much freedom and happiness.

Someone can be or feel generous AND selfish, kind AND mean, strong AND weak, helpless AND empowered, serious AND silly, shy AND outspoken, fearful AND determined,  satisfied AND unsatisfied – you get the idea.  The possbilities of paradox, dichotomies and contradictions are endless.  Owning them can help you have compassion for yourself because if you have a moment when you are not perfect or if you’re thoughtless or you’ve gotten it wrong, you can remember that you are so much more than that and all you have to do is reach for your new favorite word.

When we think about trusting someone, we tend to think of it in terms of all or nothing.  Either we trust this person or we don’t.   We trust ourselves or we don’t.  We trust that we will be taken care of or we don’t.  We think it’s like a switch we can turn on or off on a whim.  It’s not.  I label that kind of all or nothing trust as “unhealthy trust.”     And if you change the way you think about trust and learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy trust, you will save yourself a lot of heartache because trust is at the core of all of our relationships.

Healthy trust is actually a process that happens over time and it’s helpful to think of it on a continuum.  I like to think of the continuum as vertical instead of horizontal, so a “trust ladder” is a metaphor that works for me.  There are two principles that you must know if you want to understand how to develop healthy, trusting relationships or if you want to get out of pain in any of your relationships.   The two principles are:

1.  Trust is a ladder and you give your trust to others (and they give it to you) rung by rung.  Healthy people can risk giving the first rung as an offering of kindness and connection.

2.  People are always, always, always teaching you how to treat them by their behaviors.  They are constantly communicating with you with their behavior about how the relationship will continue to be.

I’ve found that it’s easiest to understand healthy vs. unhealthy trust through story (It’s a completely made up story, not based on any real people).    I’ll tell the story and deconstruct it using the two principles, so you can see them in action.  (Another note:  I used a couple for my example – but it works in ALL relationships). Once upon a time……

Let’s say there’s a woman (we’ll call her Sam) and she is in her 30′s and she has started dating using an online dating service after a relationship ended 5 months ago because of trust issues.  She has found out about the 2 principles and refuses to partake in unhealthy trust ever again.  She will only give her trust one rung at a time and will pay attention to behavior of people and allow that to be the truth teller in relationships.

She finds John’s profile and likes what she reads and sends him an email.  (This is Healthy Trust from a healthy person.  She is putting herself out there, taking a risk and using principle #1, she offers John the first rung of the trust ladder.) He does not reply.  (Principle #2 He is teaching her with his behavior that he is not interested in returning her interest.  He does not offer a rung of his ladder.) She decides that she will not email him again.  She feels disappointed and wants to email him again, but prefers to stay in healthy trust land so she moves on.  (Very impressive, she is committed to responding to his behavior decided to learn the lesson he is teaching her about himself and she withdraws her rung).

A few weeks later she finds Stephen and emails him.  (She offers her first rung.) He emails her back (He offers her a rung of his ladder) and they have a few exchanges that seem promising.   She decides she would like to speak with him on the phone (She offers the next rung, taking a risk).  He agrees and she calls him and they talk for a couple of hours where they both seem to enjoy the conversation and take turns disclosing information.  (They are climbing the ladder together rung by rung.) Then one day, he doesn’t call when he said he would.   She calls him, but it goes to voice mail and her call isn’t returned within the week.  She knows something is up and starts thinking about her vow to stop unhealthy trust.  She is not sure what her next move is, but decides to email him a note stating that she called and was checking on him and hopes everything is okay and requests a return call or email and Stephen does not reply.  (Stephen is teaching her that he no longer is offering her rungs of his ladder and no longer interested in moving forward.  Sam knows that if she continues to call him or email him, she is acting out of unhealthy trust, which is when you continually offer more trust than what the person has taught you they are capable of receiving.  When a person continues to trust, and the person has not earned it or even asked for it, then the relationship is out of balance and therefore, unhealthy trust is afoot and that is when the pain begins.  The space between the last rung that the other person gave you and your next rung is pain. She could continue to call and email, but that will only cause pain and drama on her part – and only her part.  Shephen has taught her that he is not interested in continuing, but if she chose not to learn the lesson and continues to offer the next rung of trust, then pain is on the way.  She may have feelings of confusion and disappointment that Stephen did not continue with her and that would make sense and be healthy, but to try to force continuing would be unhealthy. )

After another month Preston emails her (He offers her a rung), she responds and it proceeds to regular emails, then calls and then a few dates  They take turns offering the next rung on the ladder of trust and there have been no red flags, no unreturned calls, they do what they say they are going to do, disclose appropriately, follow through and are enjoying each other.  (This is healthy trust and yes, they live happily ever after.  In the real life fairy tale, there are going to be issues and hard times, but they honor each other by offering rung after rung to each other, one rung at a time).

Happy people practice healthy trust and pay attention to what the people in their lives are teaching them and they honor that.  If you are tired of the pain,  drama, mixed messages,  chaos of unhealthy trust you can start right now with a vow, just like our heroine, Sam and take a vow to practice healthy trust.

Resource:  Kotler, Stephen (1995).  Trust Me, Please.  SELF, Vol. 17, No. 11 158-159.