That resonates doesn’t it? Yet, we’ve been told to move on and to get over it and worst of all “get closure” (as if that was a thing). We’ve been fed lies. And in our vulnerable and hurt state, believed them.
But, I’m going to tell you the truth. You Will Never Get Over It. The reason this resonates with you is because truth resonates.
Now, let me tell you why you will never get over it. It’s because you are not a computer with a freaking delete key, that’s why. But, let’s take it deeper than that, how can you ever get over having a mother or father? How can you move on from having a child or a spouse or a brother or sister? You can’t. It doesn’t even make any sense. Our relationships make us who we are and when they die, they don’t take that part of us with them (Hedke & Winslade, 2004).
Isn’t it funny now to even consider getting over it? How did we even fall for that in the first place? Easy. The societal expectation is to not grieve. All the messages you get are to move the fuck on. “ Oh, your mom died? I’m sooo sorry, but you’ll be in next week right?” or “That wasn’t your real dad right, just your step-dad?” or “ You need off because you uncle (father-in-law, best friend, neice, pet) died?” We don’t do the sick thing or the death thing or the grief thing in our culture very well at all. Your pain has been and will be invalidated and so you begin to invalidate it yourself. You can stop that now.
***You will never get over it, But You Will Learn To Live With It. You Will, You Will, You Will.***
How do you know you’ll learn to live with it? Because your already doing it. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, you’re still reading this and you are trying to figure out how to get through your days even while you’re in pain. The act of grieving IS learning to live with it. And it’s going to hurt, but I promise, you can do this and you will learn to live with it, even though it though that seems absolutely impossible right now. Trust your process because even if you had a delete key, you wouldn’t press it.
So, no, you aren’t ever going to get over it, but you WILL learn how to live with this.
Sent with Love,
Hedtke, L. & Winslade, J. (2004). Re-membering Lives: Conversations with the Dying and the Bereaved. Amityville, NY: Baywood Publishing Company.